Eleven days later... here I am again. Break-up day 25.
I am noticing a pattern to my break-up pain - the weekends are decidedly worse than any other time of the week, and it is during this time that I seem to have a lot of trouble dealing with the loss of the ex. Sometimes I am positive about the future, sometimes I am distraught, but in general I keep trucking along as best I can and try to be okay (or at least fake it until I make it!).
However, running into the ex a few times in the last couple of days did a number on my psyche, and then today it was way worse. Why? I think it was honestly because it was Mother's Day. As weird as that is to say, and somewhat disturbing, I think that today I had so much trouble because it was a day where I really recognized a few things.
First, even though I hate the fact that I live a few doors away from the ex at the moment, there is this odd comfort that comes from knowing she is around and doing okay. Most of the time I don't think it is any kind of false hope about getting back together, but rather it is just knowing that she is alive and kicking - regardless of what she is actually doing, who she is doing it with, etc - there is just a bit of relief in seeing her. That said, there is also that kick in the stomach, gut-wrenching pain that comes with seeing her also... but regardless, today I realized that she is moving out this week. No more chance encounters. No more walking by and knowing she is close. Instead, this really does kind of close the door in a lot of ways, because I won't be seeing her around anymore. Sad indeed.
Second, Mother's Day is a day where you stop and think about family - nice work Hallmark - and I think today in thinking about my family, I also thought about the family that I am not going to have (at least with her). It is weird to be thinking about things like that for me, because in truth I never really pictured myself with a family before her, and yet lately it seems to be something I am really grieving over. I think the trigger was my brother having a child (and another on the way). There is something about my younger brother having a wife and children that just throws my world a bit out of whack - makes me feel behind or something. I mean, all of that said, I'm still a big fan of living vicariously through other people's children - I can play and then leave - but I definitely am feeling a bit lonely today.
Last, I think the transition period for me is rough. I mean, this is the week where my school/formal education experience ends, and instead I find myself entering a whole new world - alone. It is weird, because when I moved to New York City I didn't know a soul, and I was all by myself then - now, at least I know people in the city, but the truth is I lost touch with a bunch of people during my relationship... or just focused more on the relationship. Truthfully, I just liked spending time with my ex better than anyone else for the most part - not a problem so long as it works out, but definitely an issue when you break-up. Plus, I suppose there is always the need for balance as well.
Today is the first day I have cried in a bit. I was feeling really sad all day, and then of course I ran into her. There was something about seeing her that just broke something in me, and I literally felt like I couldn't breathe or function for a few minutes. Then, I almost went and knocked on her door 20-30 times, and then finally I just said the hell with it.
Going to see her was probably a mistake, but it relieved some of the pressure, even it if was entirely momentary and will likely leave me feeling worse. I guess I just wanted to say good bye in some way, and let her know that I loved her and cared about her, and wished her all the best. Or, maybe I just wanted to fool myself into thinking there was a chance - I don't know. You would think after everything I could just walk away from it, but it is very difficult. Despite everything, I love her.
Everything I read about getting over a break-up suggests that the first thing you have to do is admit to yourself that it is over - I try, but sometimes it is hard to really accept it. Once she moves out it will likely get easier, but the next few days are going to be tough. I don't really know how to function any more as a single person, which is a problem in and of itself. All of my interests seem kind of solitary at the moment, and I am literally just not sure what to do any more.
Ah well, one step at a time, one day at a time... I'm hanging in.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Day 10: Ego Bruise
The good news is that I haven't posted in a few days - apparently, the weekends are much harder for me because I'm a bit more alone then, and I am sure this is something I can focus on moving forward. Good stuff.
The bad news is that I did that whole "who is my ex seeing now" thing, and finally figured out the guy that I am pretty certain she cheated on me/betrayed me with, and so now that's been on mind the last little bit (and by last little bit, I mean basically non-stop the past two hours).
It's weird - most of the day I have been going through the motions overall, but in general I've been pretty happy and relieved that I'm actually not in the relationship. There is something about a breakup that suddenly allows you to hear every single person who has been saying "maybe you two aren't right for each other" or "She sounds crazy man" and other helpful things - and then realizing that your friends have been saying that for years makes you feel a bit better.
I've also realized in general how unsupportive my ex was. Like, to the extreme, as some seventies surfer might say - I mean literally, I do believe she hated everyone I know and everything that I did - it is somewhat phenomenal to realize how much I cut myself off. It is also interesting to start realizing how her opinion mattered so much to me that I treated it like it was the truth... however, now I am starting to see that it was just opinion, and didn't hold any more weight than a random psycho on the street... or at least it shouldn't have.
Sigh. All of that said, I still love her, and even though I'm working hard to get to a place where I can truly wish her nothing but happiness in life, it is not always the easiest thing in the world to do or maintain. For example, as I mentioned previously, today is the day I figured out who she had started "hanging with" when we were doing that whole we're-broken-up-but-we're-together/trying to work it out thing - and also the guy that I am fairly certain she lied to me about. There is something about putting a face with a name (or even learning a last name) that has really got me fired up - I knew it was probably a bad idea to ask questions (and in fact said so in a conversation earlier today), but sometimes you just do the thing that you know is an absolutely terrible idea.
Speaking of knowing it was a bad idea, I literally had this conversation with my friend "JT" today - I asked him a question about his ex, and then we ended up having this conversation on the street for like 30 minutes about going through a breakup - he and I have both been going through a lot of the same things, but neither one of us had really talked about it with the other one before. It was interesting to hear that I am not crazy, or at least if I am, then we both are doing the same crazy things. It was also nice to hear that he is facing some of the same issues - I mean, I've been feeling like I need to change hang-out spots, eating establishments, routes that I walk, avoid my apartment (yep, she is still my neighbor for 2 more weeks), and other such things - but at the same time I feel like in some ways that I am "letting her win." Hearing him talk about doing the same things was a good reminder that it isn't about winning some kind of competition that you create in your brain, but rather about being okay and taking care of yourself in the long run - and sometimes that means avoiding things, changing habits, creating some space, gaining perspective, getting a little distance, or whatever other generic term comes to mind. Sometimes, you just need your space!
Also, it was good to hear that I'm not the only person that has issues with the whole "I broke it off with them, but then I started thinking about it, so we decided to try, and now she is gone/not interested/seeing someone else/moving on." My buddy was in the same boat - he broke it off, but then gave it some effort, which made it worse. I could definitely relate to that. I mean, during my "I hate the ex" moments, I'm so annoyed at myself for giving her the opportunity to hurt me further, or to really end things on her terms - it was like some kind of sick and twisted game where she got the upper hand by taking advantage of my love for her. But, I suppose if I'm being honest about it, it's really not about her - that crap won't matter in months/years, and when I stop thinking about it and it stops hurting it really won't matter who did what during the break-up - either way, it will be over.
Ah well, hopefully writing about this a bit has calmed me down - despite doing okay for a few days, I think seeing a picture of the guy and learning his name (thank you social media and Google), plus seeing her acting shady in waiting to add him on Facebook until a few weeks after that night they "hung-out" and he "slept on the floor" at her place (yes, the use of quotes is intentional - I believe that I don't believe her, which is also hard to come terms with because I have to acknowledge the hurt and pain that the break in trust creates... at some point) just comes off really shady and makes it a bit worse.
But in truth, I guess it doesn't really change anything. We're still broken up, I'm still annoyed with her, and I am still flashing between a variety of emotions all across the spectrum - from hope to hate, from love to lust, from relief to anxiety, and a million others - but life is marching on.
Still, I wish I would heal already - I'm very tired of hurting.
The bad news is that I did that whole "who is my ex seeing now" thing, and finally figured out the guy that I am pretty certain she cheated on me/betrayed me with, and so now that's been on mind the last little bit (and by last little bit, I mean basically non-stop the past two hours).
It's weird - most of the day I have been going through the motions overall, but in general I've been pretty happy and relieved that I'm actually not in the relationship. There is something about a breakup that suddenly allows you to hear every single person who has been saying "maybe you two aren't right for each other" or "She sounds crazy man" and other helpful things - and then realizing that your friends have been saying that for years makes you feel a bit better.
I've also realized in general how unsupportive my ex was. Like, to the extreme, as some seventies surfer might say - I mean literally, I do believe she hated everyone I know and everything that I did - it is somewhat phenomenal to realize how much I cut myself off. It is also interesting to start realizing how her opinion mattered so much to me that I treated it like it was the truth... however, now I am starting to see that it was just opinion, and didn't hold any more weight than a random psycho on the street... or at least it shouldn't have.
Sigh. All of that said, I still love her, and even though I'm working hard to get to a place where I can truly wish her nothing but happiness in life, it is not always the easiest thing in the world to do or maintain. For example, as I mentioned previously, today is the day I figured out who she had started "hanging with" when we were doing that whole we're-broken-up-but-we're-together/trying to work it out thing - and also the guy that I am fairly certain she lied to me about. There is something about putting a face with a name (or even learning a last name) that has really got me fired up - I knew it was probably a bad idea to ask questions (and in fact said so in a conversation earlier today), but sometimes you just do the thing that you know is an absolutely terrible idea.
Speaking of knowing it was a bad idea, I literally had this conversation with my friend "JT" today - I asked him a question about his ex, and then we ended up having this conversation on the street for like 30 minutes about going through a breakup - he and I have both been going through a lot of the same things, but neither one of us had really talked about it with the other one before. It was interesting to hear that I am not crazy, or at least if I am, then we both are doing the same crazy things. It was also nice to hear that he is facing some of the same issues - I mean, I've been feeling like I need to change hang-out spots, eating establishments, routes that I walk, avoid my apartment (yep, she is still my neighbor for 2 more weeks), and other such things - but at the same time I feel like in some ways that I am "letting her win." Hearing him talk about doing the same things was a good reminder that it isn't about winning some kind of competition that you create in your brain, but rather about being okay and taking care of yourself in the long run - and sometimes that means avoiding things, changing habits, creating some space, gaining perspective, getting a little distance, or whatever other generic term comes to mind. Sometimes, you just need your space!
Also, it was good to hear that I'm not the only person that has issues with the whole "I broke it off with them, but then I started thinking about it, so we decided to try, and now she is gone/not interested/seeing someone else/moving on." My buddy was in the same boat - he broke it off, but then gave it some effort, which made it worse. I could definitely relate to that. I mean, during my "I hate the ex" moments, I'm so annoyed at myself for giving her the opportunity to hurt me further, or to really end things on her terms - it was like some kind of sick and twisted game where she got the upper hand by taking advantage of my love for her. But, I suppose if I'm being honest about it, it's really not about her - that crap won't matter in months/years, and when I stop thinking about it and it stops hurting it really won't matter who did what during the break-up - either way, it will be over.
Ah well, hopefully writing about this a bit has calmed me down - despite doing okay for a few days, I think seeing a picture of the guy and learning his name (thank you social media and Google), plus seeing her acting shady in waiting to add him on Facebook until a few weeks after that night they "hung-out" and he "slept on the floor" at her place (yes, the use of quotes is intentional - I believe that I don't believe her, which is also hard to come terms with because I have to acknowledge the hurt and pain that the break in trust creates... at some point) just comes off really shady and makes it a bit worse.
But in truth, I guess it doesn't really change anything. We're still broken up, I'm still annoyed with her, and I am still flashing between a variety of emotions all across the spectrum - from hope to hate, from love to lust, from relief to anxiety, and a million others - but life is marching on.
Still, I wish I would heal already - I'm very tired of hurting.
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