I Can Be An Idiot

Sometimes, I can be an idiot.  Now, maybe I should not be calling myself an idiot, but I did something fairly stupid today that has really got me down.  What did I do?

I contacted the ex.  I know what you are thinking and I know what you are probably saying - WHY?  Well, like I said, I can be an idiot.

I texted her under the pretext of writing to congratulate her on something that had she had achieved today that had been a big dream of hers since the moment we met.  In fact, it was something that we both had worked very hard on and made some sacrifices for her to achieve (prior to our breaking up), and when I heard through social media today that she had been successful in her goal and was going to be living out her dream I felt... weird.

I felt disturbed inside, lonely, and honestly it made me miss her so much.  For some reason, not being able to celebrate this momentous event with her really made me sad.  After all, we had both sacrificed for it, and it hurt that we were not going to be able to celebrate together.  Convincing myself that I was only writing to show I was the bigger person and that I genuinely cared about her and wanted her to be happy, I broke one of the cardinal rules - do not contact your ex for at least 90 days (or 60, or an eternity) - whatever.

I sent her a simple text message, "Congratulations on x and y.  I never had any doubt."  Simple, smooth, and no problem I told myself - except, that was a lie.

As soon as I sent it I got nervous, and I began to check my phone repeatedly like I had done back at the beginning of our time apart.  Had she texted back?  Would she text me back?  Had she gotten my message?  Was she ignoring me?  All of these things and more were flying through my head for two hours as I fell deeper and deeper into a bit of despair.  Depression began to take over again, and I was feeling just as crushed as I had on the moment that we had called it splits.  It was like I had forgotten everything that I had thought about and that I had come to realize over the past couple of weeks.  All of the reasons why we were not a good match, what things I really wanted out of life, and how much she had hurt me and let me down just flew out the window - I just missed her so much at that moment and I wanted to hear from her.

Then, after a couple of hours, I did hear from her.  She responded, "Thank you very much!!!"  Casual, calm, and... painful.  It hurt.  Even though she had responded, I realized immediately that I had been fooling myself with my reasons for writing to her.  I didn't just want to congratulate her - no, I wanted something more.  I wanted her to love me and I wanted her to miss me and I wanted desperately for her to want to share this moment with me.  I didn't want to be left behind while she moved forward - instead, I wanted to be back in her life and I wanted her to love me again!

Yeah.  It feels/felt as desperate and pathetic as it sounds, and really it just made me feel like shit.  So now I have to start all over again dealing with all of the crap that I had been dealing with in trying to get over her.  I guess it is a valuable lesson to learn, even though it sucks right now.  The lesson is pretty simple - when you have contact with your ex, if you are still in love or wanting that relationship back - it is going to hurt.  So why do it to yourself?  Why put yourself through the trauma and the pain of reaching out to someone who doesn't give a damn about you?  Why hurt so much over someone who has taken the time to tell you in no uncertain terms and show you with no uncertain actions that they are just fine without you being in their lives?

I think that I was just an idiot.  I missed her, and if I am being honest, I was hoping that seeing my name or number appear on her phone would start the wheels spinning again, and that she would realize all of those things I mentioned above.  I think that I hoped that she would realize how much she loved me and how much she wanted to be with me, and that the magic of my kindness would ignite her fire and she would come running back.  But you know what - that kind of thing only works in some Hollywood movie dreamed up by sappy romantics.  She probably appreciated the gesture, and said thanks, but she didn't come running back.

What instead happened is that I opened myself to a world of hurt and pain for absolutely no other reason than that I missed her, and that I failed to keep the most important thought foremost in my mind. It is over.  She and I are done.  She isn't coming back.  And, that is probably a good thing for both of us.

I mean sure, it does indeed suck, and I really do miss her, but I know that it wasn't a smart thing to do to contact her again and do this to myself.

It hurts.  I am trying to not beat myself up too much and take solace in the fact that I did not destroy myself even more or lose even more dignity by following that text with a bunch of other texts telling her how much I love her and how much I miss her - that would have just added pain on top of pain, because the truth is I have already told her that and she didn't care - or at least, she didn't care the way I wanted her to.  She did not care enough to fight for me, to want to fix our relationship, and truthfully I had wanted out before the "beat me to the punch" - and now I am letting her loss just really do a number on me at a time when I cannot afford to have it do a number on me.  I am tired of hurting though.

In all honesty - I was doing much better this week then last, as evidenced by how little I have written on this blog - but now I am crashing back down again as I realize that our lives are moving on.

I miss her though.  Even though she wasn't always great, I miss the possibility of what we had, maybe could have had, and never will have.  I hurt a lot right now.  I am trying to type it all out here, but in all honesty I am just feeling sad and I want to stop hurting.

Time cannot pass soon enough with this.  Sometimes the only thing that gives me hope is looking back at my prior breakup posts on this blog and realizing that I made it through then, so I can make it through now and find happiness again - I found the most recent heartbreak didn't I?

I am just tired of hurting.  Breakups suck.

UGH

You know what I hate about the beginning stages of a breakup?  Every single thing almost.  Occasionally, I feel a sense of relief that things are done, but most of the time I am lonely, sad, angry, pissed off, and so very desperate to feel better.

Today I found this card on top of my refrigerator which I had forgot to either throw away or hide away.  I probably should have just thrown it away, and I may actually get up and do that in just a few minutes. The card itself said some very sweet things, but was unsigned, which is fairly typical to this terrible crap that I am trying to deal with.

The thing that I have not been very honest about with myself is that this whole relationship was a real piece of crap and not anything that I would normally settle for, or anything that I would allow anyone I care about to settle for.  I mean, everything about this whole relationship was hidden, which always made me feel like crap.  We snuck around in places where no one knew us, or we could be "us" around my friends, but we were never "us" around any of her friends - what kind of crap is that?  I mean literally, I do not even understand how I managed to get into anything like that, or worse, how I managed to be okay with something like that.  Oddly, she was okay with her family knowing about us, but not any of her friends, and that was just weird.

I am going to have to take a long hard look at myself and see how I got to the place where this kind of things was okay, and see how in the world that ever happened.  I just don't know.

The other thing is - I am so tired of hurting.  I want the pain to hurry up and be done, and I want to be okay again.  Truthfully, I do not even remember what it is like to be okay, and I was not okay when I started this whole thing.  I was coming out of this really bad and painful breakup, and this girl moved in right near me, and things quickly went downhill from there.  I want to feel better.

I am also tired of all of these fantasy games I keep playing in my head.  I keep trying to wrap my mind around the fact that it is over, that she is out of my life, and that we are done... and then I find myself playing games in my head about what could be, should be, or would be.  What might happen if I did this, or if she did that, or what if this, or what if that... all of it makes no sense, isn't fair, and does not help me in the least... and yet I still cannot seem to stop doing it.  I hurt.

I miss her.  I really do.  The weird thing is that I was ready to be done with the whole thing, but something about her not wanting me back made me want her again, which seems to be pretty standard for me.  I am not sure why I do that in relationships when I am trying to escape - as soon as I breakup, I want them back.  Maybe I am testing to see if they really want me in their lives, which is a bit messed up and says more about my inability to believe myself worthy of anything or anyone or of being wanted, but there is also that desire to know that someone will fight for me.

I think especially with this girl, the way we started was so messed up, that there was not much of an opportunity to ever have trust, and I guess I just wanted her to show me that I mattered.  I just wanted to matter to her, and I wanted something, some sign, that despite the way we started when I was seeing her act in the most untrustworthy of ways, that it would be different with me, and that I could trust her.

It just hurts.  It hurts so very much.  I was so lonely before her, and I had told her before we got started that I thought it was dangerous because I was having so many feelings and emotions relating to spending time with her... and yet, I got into this whole thing anyways.  And now, here I am, a few months later (hard to believe I met her in July only), and now it is like she never existed in my life, besides the pain that I carry with me.  It hurts so much.  Damn.

I mean, I know I have gotten over worse, but for some reason this thing is really hurting me right now and it is hard to remember that.  I am just rambling on this page to let some of my pain out, and I do not even know what I am saying anymore.  I am hurt.  I am in pain.  And I just want to be okay and happy.
It hurts so much.

Starting over...again... no seriously, again

I did something kind of stupid in the world of breakups last night - I talked with the ex.  Although, I suppose I should be fair in saying that she really isn't the ex, as apparently we were never dating.  We were just having sex, spending all of our time together, and in general being a couple in every aspect - but not dating.

I guess I wanted closure.  I also feel stupid in saying that, because if I had actually been willing to admit  it to myself, she had already given me closure.  She just took off on me.

Actually, even that is a lie, as I had already decided that I was tired of the relationship and ready to move on, but the fact that she was so ready to move on and just took off without fighting for me really hurt my feelings, and caused this knee jerk reaction within me where I suddenly wanted to fight for.  It seems like some kind of messed up game where I cared more about the challenge, the game, and the "fantasy" of the entire relationship than actually making it work.  It also brought to light all of my own issues with self-esteem, sadness, and loneliness - which I am having do deal with all at once during a period of stress.

Anyways, let me start with last night.  It was weird.  She had some things, and I should have honestly just let them go, but I suppose that if I am honest I used getting my stuff back as an excuse to talk to her and find out what was going on.  It is weird to lose someone from your life without ever having a face-to-face conversation with them - whether it was about my feelings or her feelings - and it just made me feel really disconcerted.  I suppose in the beginning I was "ahead" of her in dealing with not being together because I made that decision, but after she didn't fight and seemed so okay with it, I fell behind because I was so caught off guard by her not fighting and not seeming to care that suddenly I was way behind - how could she say all of these things to me and not fight?  Yes, clearly I have some issues here, but I wanted to talk to her, so I broke the golden rule of "no contact with the ex."

I showed up at her apartment and two things were immediately apparent.  The first is that she looked stunning - maybe the best I have ever seen her look, and it actually made things much more difficult.  Damn, how could she look so beautiful?  Also in my head - damn, how can she look so beautiful and put together and seem so fine during this time where I am hurting so much and feeling so much pain?  UGH!  The second thing was that all my stuff was just laid out on the table (except my damn flip-flops, which I didn't realize until later).  That kind of hurt - to just have someone put your life on a table and be like here - take it.

Unfortunately, I didn't just take it and leave.  Instead, because I was so hurt, I spent the next two hours talking to her where it became abundantly clearly that she and I were never in the same relationship in so many ways.  It is weird to have someone tell you so many things about how they feel about you and how much they love you, while at the same time trying to sit there and understand what the hell is happening and that they are actually leaving your life.  Worse, much worse, is actually caring about someone enough to listen to them, understand them and sympathize with them.  It is weird how such a conversation can bright to light so many misunderstandings.

In the end, it sucks.  I basically decided to put my heart on the table, totally open myself and expose myself to her and ultimately, allow her to reject me (again).  It definitely hurts way worse today (as expected), and it definitely feels like a fresh loss (grief phase much?).  Also, it probably makes me doubt my understanding of people in some ways - how can she say so much to me and feel so little?  Or, if she feels so much, how can she not fight?

I am reading this book which advises journaling - and here we are - and it also talks about people going through that feeling.  The questioning, the wondering, the agonizing and every other word you want to use - it is hard not to think about.  I keep telling myself that it does not really matter whether I agree with her, care about her or anything - the truth of the matter is that she took a look at us and decided it wasn't worth fighting for - and although that hurts, I should have enough self-esteem and such to realize that I want someone who will fight for me.  And, truthfully, I do want that.  It hurts that she didn't fight, but I suppose it is better to figure that out now than later.

Of course, there are a lot of issues around this particular relationship, but today I really just don't want to write anymore about it.  I hurt, I feel betrayed and I am having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that she is gone.  I should note I suppose that she asked me to be her boyfriend on December 27 and I told her I thought we should wait, she went on a trip to Italy, and by January 4 she was completely done - according to her, because she thought I was done.  WHICH, I have to say, I find absolutely stupid.  Check-in with me?  Ask me?  Do something!  It was just so idiotic on some level, which I suppose tells me more about her internal processes, but I feel robbed of my time and manipulated in a lot of ways.

So how do I feel?  I am sad.  I am frustrated.  I am angry.  I wish I hadn't wasted time on her.  I wish she would call me.  I hope she never calls.  I never want to see her again.  I miss her like crazy.  I hate her.  I love her.  I wish we could be friends.  She is a terrible person.  She is wonderful.

Yes, I am full of emotions.  It is hard not to see everything in black and white.  I am tempted to either romanticize everything and see her as perfect, or hate her and see everything terribly.   I will also say that I am having a lot of trouble not rewriting history in my head, and seeing her in a perfect light and also ignoring the myriad of problems that existed from the inception of that relationship.  So painful though.

I hurt a ton today.  I wish I hadn't seen her last night, but now at least I cannot fool myself about not having closure.  Today, I fully understand, that the relationship is 100% completely over.  It hurts so much and makes me feel so sad, but at least I know where I stand now.  It stings to be rejected.  It smarts to get rejected before I could do the rejecting, but at least I know where I stand.  It was the wrong relationship for me, and I knew that, but damn if I don't still love her and miss her so much.  Going to be a rough patch here for a little bit.

Another Breakup

It is weird to revisit this blog less than a year later and to read about how I felt at the end of my previous relationship.  Everything seemed so hard then, but unsurprisingly I got over it for the most part.  I went a long time without talking to the ex, began seeing someone new, and am now in the process of dealing with another breakup.

The interesting thing about reading this blog is that it seems like someone else wrote the other thing posts.  I barely remember the pain now that I was going through then, and this is likely due to the passage of time, and also because of the severe amount of pain that I am going through now.

This breakup is actually a weird one, and it reminds me of my previous one in that there was some strange lack of closure previously.  In my current situation, I am not even sure what the status of our relationship ever was, when we actually broke up, or even if we were ever actually together.  Weird right?  All I know is that we had a fight, she asked me to be with her, I told her we shouldn't jump back in, she fled the country, and then when I didn't respond to a few emails she decided I had moved on - and I thought I had too.  However, I feel the typical dumper's remorse in that I wasn't sure of the whole thing to start with, and now I am having a lot of doubts now that I ran into her again for the first time and we started talking.

A lot of the reasons that I needed space are the same reasons that I am having so much trouble now.  I am just uncertain about her, and I feel like I cannot really trust her.  It is hard to tell which comes first in this chicken-or-the-egg scenario - I cannot tell if she makes me feel insecure and then I act in a certain way or if me acting in a certain way because I am insecure is making her act a certain way - maybe I wasn't over my ex, maybe she wasn't over her ex, or any number of things,

I am honestly surprised to be writing on this blog again, but I really hurt today for some reason.  I miss her, and I think that the older I get the more I worry about being all alone for the rest of my life.  I am trying to be smart and stand up for myself here, because I want someone that wants to be with me, and I want someone to right for me.  I do not know however if that means that I am accidentally "testing" people's feelings by withdrawing, etc, and then reacting to what they do - it is entirely possible.  I do know however that I want to feel safe.  I didn't really feel safe with her, and we hid our relationship for a long time which took its toll on both of us, and now here I am again all alone and feeling blue.

I will try to write a bit more honestly about this moving forward, but as for tonight I just wanted to write something.  I am feeling better this evening than I did yesterday and this morning, but damn it this whole thing really hurts.