UGH

You know what I hate about the beginning stages of a breakup?  Every single thing almost.  Occasionally, I feel a sense of relief that things are done, but most of the time I am lonely, sad, angry, pissed off, and so very desperate to feel better.

Today I found this card on top of my refrigerator which I had forgot to either throw away or hide away.  I probably should have just thrown it away, and I may actually get up and do that in just a few minutes. The card itself said some very sweet things, but was unsigned, which is fairly typical to this terrible crap that I am trying to deal with.

The thing that I have not been very honest about with myself is that this whole relationship was a real piece of crap and not anything that I would normally settle for, or anything that I would allow anyone I care about to settle for.  I mean, everything about this whole relationship was hidden, which always made me feel like crap.  We snuck around in places where no one knew us, or we could be "us" around my friends, but we were never "us" around any of her friends - what kind of crap is that?  I mean literally, I do not even understand how I managed to get into anything like that, or worse, how I managed to be okay with something like that.  Oddly, she was okay with her family knowing about us, but not any of her friends, and that was just weird.

I am going to have to take a long hard look at myself and see how I got to the place where this kind of things was okay, and see how in the world that ever happened.  I just don't know.

The other thing is - I am so tired of hurting.  I want the pain to hurry up and be done, and I want to be okay again.  Truthfully, I do not even remember what it is like to be okay, and I was not okay when I started this whole thing.  I was coming out of this really bad and painful breakup, and this girl moved in right near me, and things quickly went downhill from there.  I want to feel better.

I am also tired of all of these fantasy games I keep playing in my head.  I keep trying to wrap my mind around the fact that it is over, that she is out of my life, and that we are done... and then I find myself playing games in my head about what could be, should be, or would be.  What might happen if I did this, or if she did that, or what if this, or what if that... all of it makes no sense, isn't fair, and does not help me in the least... and yet I still cannot seem to stop doing it.  I hurt.

I miss her.  I really do.  The weird thing is that I was ready to be done with the whole thing, but something about her not wanting me back made me want her again, which seems to be pretty standard for me.  I am not sure why I do that in relationships when I am trying to escape - as soon as I breakup, I want them back.  Maybe I am testing to see if they really want me in their lives, which is a bit messed up and says more about my inability to believe myself worthy of anything or anyone or of being wanted, but there is also that desire to know that someone will fight for me.

I think especially with this girl, the way we started was so messed up, that there was not much of an opportunity to ever have trust, and I guess I just wanted her to show me that I mattered.  I just wanted to matter to her, and I wanted something, some sign, that despite the way we started when I was seeing her act in the most untrustworthy of ways, that it would be different with me, and that I could trust her.

It just hurts.  It hurts so very much.  I was so lonely before her, and I had told her before we got started that I thought it was dangerous because I was having so many feelings and emotions relating to spending time with her... and yet, I got into this whole thing anyways.  And now, here I am, a few months later (hard to believe I met her in July only), and now it is like she never existed in my life, besides the pain that I carry with me.  It hurts so much.  Damn.

I mean, I know I have gotten over worse, but for some reason this thing is really hurting me right now and it is hard to remember that.  I am just rambling on this page to let some of my pain out, and I do not even know what I am saying anymore.  I am hurt.  I am in pain.  And I just want to be okay and happy.
It hurts so much.