Today, oddly, I went on a date. I know that it sounds a bit crazy to be posting this in my breakup blog, but I figured that it was time and so out I went.
Shockingly, or at least to me, the girl was actually pretty spectacular. Granted, alarm bells were going off in my head about being fearful of rebounding, moving too soon, and a million other things, but instead of limiting myself and over-analyzing, I just decided to chat and have a nice afternoon.
I definitely felt off my game. I mean, after dating the same girl for almost three years, I was a bit rusty and definitely very, very nervous. I mean, how in the world do adults date strangers? Maybe if it was someone I had known a bit, I would have been a little more chill, but the good news is she was very nice, very sweet, and truthfully, very easy to get along with.
In fact, in some ways I was a little annoyed that she was so great and that the date went so well - I'm even assuming that it was a date? I mean, I have no idea how one even knows that - I asked her to do something and we did it - but I digress. The reason I am so annoyed that the date went so well is because it seems like the last thing that I really needed at that point in time in some ways. If things could have gone horribly, or she wasn't such a sweetie pie, then I probably would not care very much about the whole thing. Instead, because it was so awesome, now I am a little more concerned about the future, both in terms of anxiety and in terms of being scared.
I suppose what I am trying to say is that I have become a teenager. I have no idea what is going on, what to expect, how to date, how I should feel, what I should think, how I should act, or whether she even likes me in that manner. Life would be easier if I could send her a note with three checkboxes on it - yes, no, maybe, and simply ask her if she was interested. However, since I am unable to do that, I suppose I will just have to be patient and enjoy the ride.
The good news is she did text me afterwards and say thanks - so hopefully that was a good sign. To be continued...
Saturday, June 16, 2012
Friday, June 15, 2012
Roller-Coaster of Emotions
It's been a bit since I posted, and the time since then has been a roller-coaster where I hit rock bottom for a few days, and then bounced back up and am doing okay at this moment.
The unhappiness just hits out of the blue sometimes. I do not even think it is the breakup itself sometimes, but rather the isolation that accompanies it. Some days, you just mist that person so much, and when the rest of your life crumbles around you, those are the moments where you truly miss the person that is always there for you.
The happiness also hits out of the blue sometimes. Although I never really thought I would get there, I find myself realizing that I haven't thought about it for a bit. There are moments where I actually catch myself noticing other women and not comparing them with the ex. There are times where I feel better off.
When I am happy, I give myself a pat on the back for doing okay. When I am sad, I remind myself that it is going to be okay and that I am tough. But I think the hardest part about going back and forth through these emotional states is not berating myself for not feeling a certain way - I mean, the title of this blog says it all - getting over a breakup is hard. If you think otherwise, or try to act like some kind of superhero without any weaknesses, then you just set yourself up for feelings of weakness and failure. After all, even superheroes tend to have a weakness (an ex is the equivalent of kryptonite if you need a little help understanding why you are not invincible or recovering fast enough).
So, I just keep on keeping on. I try to make it each day, one day at a time, and I hope that the next day will be a little better. I try to stay focused on the things that I need to do now in order to make my tomorrow better, so that I don't end up regretting my future because of the past. It isn't always the easiest, but I know in the end I will be stronger for having gone through this.
One day at a time...
The unhappiness just hits out of the blue sometimes. I do not even think it is the breakup itself sometimes, but rather the isolation that accompanies it. Some days, you just mist that person so much, and when the rest of your life crumbles around you, those are the moments where you truly miss the person that is always there for you.
The happiness also hits out of the blue sometimes. Although I never really thought I would get there, I find myself realizing that I haven't thought about it for a bit. There are moments where I actually catch myself noticing other women and not comparing them with the ex. There are times where I feel better off.
When I am happy, I give myself a pat on the back for doing okay. When I am sad, I remind myself that it is going to be okay and that I am tough. But I think the hardest part about going back and forth through these emotional states is not berating myself for not feeling a certain way - I mean, the title of this blog says it all - getting over a breakup is hard. If you think otherwise, or try to act like some kind of superhero without any weaknesses, then you just set yourself up for feelings of weakness and failure. After all, even superheroes tend to have a weakness (an ex is the equivalent of kryptonite if you need a little help understanding why you are not invincible or recovering fast enough).
So, I just keep on keeping on. I try to make it each day, one day at a time, and I hope that the next day will be a little better. I try to stay focused on the things that I need to do now in order to make my tomorrow better, so that I don't end up regretting my future because of the past. It isn't always the easiest, but I know in the end I will be stronger for having gone through this.
One day at a time...
Monday, June 4, 2012
June Update
Hi there. I haven't posted in a bit, and I really haven't made much progress since the last time I wrote. This is probably because I made the dreaded mistake that so many seem to make - letting the ex back in.
Ha. I suppose that I am being too hard on myself to say that I have not made any progress, because the truth is that I have just kept on keeping on, which is in itself an accomplishment. I have been taking care of my life, although I often feel like a punch drunk boxer stumbling around the ring after taking a hard uppercut - sometimes I am not sure where I am going or what I am doing, but I am absolutely determined to stay on my feet.
Regarding the ex, we started talking a bit again, after running into each other one day. This was prior to her finally moving out of my building and no longer being my neighbor (which has helped a lot since). Then she started texting me again, then we hung out, and it seemed like we might be back on the path to getting together. Although, I have to say, I never really bought into the idea. I wasn't sure what I wanted, but she was going through some things and I decided to support her, even though I suspected that we would repeat what happened at the beginning of April. She would pop back in my life for a bit, then pop back out when she freaked out yet again - and that was exactly what happened.
However, I'm not really that mad about it. I am a little disappointed, but I think that relates more to being lonely than actually missing her. I am slightly angry because she bounced back out of my life again, but more so at myself than her - then again, I forgive myself also because I entered with my eyes wide open and was expecting exactly what happened.
I guess that is how you know you truly care about someone. You expect the worst of them, you see them in need, and you decide to take the proverbial hit in order to protect them or help them. I care about her, so I made decisions to make her life better that were not exactly in line with my own best interest. I suppose that is why they say that love is sacrifice.
At any rate, I just thought I would check in with myself and anyone who happens across this blog - I write not only to let these things out of my own head and heart, but also so that someday someone might read this and know that they aren't alone. Breakups are no fun, they are tough, and it is so no picnic to make it through each day - but I can do it, and so can you.
Ha. I suppose that I am being too hard on myself to say that I have not made any progress, because the truth is that I have just kept on keeping on, which is in itself an accomplishment. I have been taking care of my life, although I often feel like a punch drunk boxer stumbling around the ring after taking a hard uppercut - sometimes I am not sure where I am going or what I am doing, but I am absolutely determined to stay on my feet.
Regarding the ex, we started talking a bit again, after running into each other one day. This was prior to her finally moving out of my building and no longer being my neighbor (which has helped a lot since). Then she started texting me again, then we hung out, and it seemed like we might be back on the path to getting together. Although, I have to say, I never really bought into the idea. I wasn't sure what I wanted, but she was going through some things and I decided to support her, even though I suspected that we would repeat what happened at the beginning of April. She would pop back in my life for a bit, then pop back out when she freaked out yet again - and that was exactly what happened.
However, I'm not really that mad about it. I am a little disappointed, but I think that relates more to being lonely than actually missing her. I am slightly angry because she bounced back out of my life again, but more so at myself than her - then again, I forgive myself also because I entered with my eyes wide open and was expecting exactly what happened.
I guess that is how you know you truly care about someone. You expect the worst of them, you see them in need, and you decide to take the proverbial hit in order to protect them or help them. I care about her, so I made decisions to make her life better that were not exactly in line with my own best interest. I suppose that is why they say that love is sacrifice.
At any rate, I just thought I would check in with myself and anyone who happens across this blog - I write not only to let these things out of my own head and heart, but also so that someday someone might read this and know that they aren't alone. Breakups are no fun, they are tough, and it is so no picnic to make it through each day - but I can do it, and so can you.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Day 25: I Caved and Talked
Eleven days later... here I am again. Break-up day 25.
I am noticing a pattern to my break-up pain - the weekends are decidedly worse than any other time of the week, and it is during this time that I seem to have a lot of trouble dealing with the loss of the ex. Sometimes I am positive about the future, sometimes I am distraught, but in general I keep trucking along as best I can and try to be okay (or at least fake it until I make it!).
However, running into the ex a few times in the last couple of days did a number on my psyche, and then today it was way worse. Why? I think it was honestly because it was Mother's Day. As weird as that is to say, and somewhat disturbing, I think that today I had so much trouble because it was a day where I really recognized a few things.
First, even though I hate the fact that I live a few doors away from the ex at the moment, there is this odd comfort that comes from knowing she is around and doing okay. Most of the time I don't think it is any kind of false hope about getting back together, but rather it is just knowing that she is alive and kicking - regardless of what she is actually doing, who she is doing it with, etc - there is just a bit of relief in seeing her. That said, there is also that kick in the stomach, gut-wrenching pain that comes with seeing her also... but regardless, today I realized that she is moving out this week. No more chance encounters. No more walking by and knowing she is close. Instead, this really does kind of close the door in a lot of ways, because I won't be seeing her around anymore. Sad indeed.
Second, Mother's Day is a day where you stop and think about family - nice work Hallmark - and I think today in thinking about my family, I also thought about the family that I am not going to have (at least with her). It is weird to be thinking about things like that for me, because in truth I never really pictured myself with a family before her, and yet lately it seems to be something I am really grieving over. I think the trigger was my brother having a child (and another on the way). There is something about my younger brother having a wife and children that just throws my world a bit out of whack - makes me feel behind or something. I mean, all of that said, I'm still a big fan of living vicariously through other people's children - I can play and then leave - but I definitely am feeling a bit lonely today.
Last, I think the transition period for me is rough. I mean, this is the week where my school/formal education experience ends, and instead I find myself entering a whole new world - alone. It is weird, because when I moved to New York City I didn't know a soul, and I was all by myself then - now, at least I know people in the city, but the truth is I lost touch with a bunch of people during my relationship... or just focused more on the relationship. Truthfully, I just liked spending time with my ex better than anyone else for the most part - not a problem so long as it works out, but definitely an issue when you break-up. Plus, I suppose there is always the need for balance as well.
Today is the first day I have cried in a bit. I was feeling really sad all day, and then of course I ran into her. There was something about seeing her that just broke something in me, and I literally felt like I couldn't breathe or function for a few minutes. Then, I almost went and knocked on her door 20-30 times, and then finally I just said the hell with it.
Going to see her was probably a mistake, but it relieved some of the pressure, even it if was entirely momentary and will likely leave me feeling worse. I guess I just wanted to say good bye in some way, and let her know that I loved her and cared about her, and wished her all the best. Or, maybe I just wanted to fool myself into thinking there was a chance - I don't know. You would think after everything I could just walk away from it, but it is very difficult. Despite everything, I love her.
Everything I read about getting over a break-up suggests that the first thing you have to do is admit to yourself that it is over - I try, but sometimes it is hard to really accept it. Once she moves out it will likely get easier, but the next few days are going to be tough. I don't really know how to function any more as a single person, which is a problem in and of itself. All of my interests seem kind of solitary at the moment, and I am literally just not sure what to do any more.
Ah well, one step at a time, one day at a time... I'm hanging in.
I am noticing a pattern to my break-up pain - the weekends are decidedly worse than any other time of the week, and it is during this time that I seem to have a lot of trouble dealing with the loss of the ex. Sometimes I am positive about the future, sometimes I am distraught, but in general I keep trucking along as best I can and try to be okay (or at least fake it until I make it!).
However, running into the ex a few times in the last couple of days did a number on my psyche, and then today it was way worse. Why? I think it was honestly because it was Mother's Day. As weird as that is to say, and somewhat disturbing, I think that today I had so much trouble because it was a day where I really recognized a few things.
First, even though I hate the fact that I live a few doors away from the ex at the moment, there is this odd comfort that comes from knowing she is around and doing okay. Most of the time I don't think it is any kind of false hope about getting back together, but rather it is just knowing that she is alive and kicking - regardless of what she is actually doing, who she is doing it with, etc - there is just a bit of relief in seeing her. That said, there is also that kick in the stomach, gut-wrenching pain that comes with seeing her also... but regardless, today I realized that she is moving out this week. No more chance encounters. No more walking by and knowing she is close. Instead, this really does kind of close the door in a lot of ways, because I won't be seeing her around anymore. Sad indeed.
Second, Mother's Day is a day where you stop and think about family - nice work Hallmark - and I think today in thinking about my family, I also thought about the family that I am not going to have (at least with her). It is weird to be thinking about things like that for me, because in truth I never really pictured myself with a family before her, and yet lately it seems to be something I am really grieving over. I think the trigger was my brother having a child (and another on the way). There is something about my younger brother having a wife and children that just throws my world a bit out of whack - makes me feel behind or something. I mean, all of that said, I'm still a big fan of living vicariously through other people's children - I can play and then leave - but I definitely am feeling a bit lonely today.
Last, I think the transition period for me is rough. I mean, this is the week where my school/formal education experience ends, and instead I find myself entering a whole new world - alone. It is weird, because when I moved to New York City I didn't know a soul, and I was all by myself then - now, at least I know people in the city, but the truth is I lost touch with a bunch of people during my relationship... or just focused more on the relationship. Truthfully, I just liked spending time with my ex better than anyone else for the most part - not a problem so long as it works out, but definitely an issue when you break-up. Plus, I suppose there is always the need for balance as well.
Today is the first day I have cried in a bit. I was feeling really sad all day, and then of course I ran into her. There was something about seeing her that just broke something in me, and I literally felt like I couldn't breathe or function for a few minutes. Then, I almost went and knocked on her door 20-30 times, and then finally I just said the hell with it.
Going to see her was probably a mistake, but it relieved some of the pressure, even it if was entirely momentary and will likely leave me feeling worse. I guess I just wanted to say good bye in some way, and let her know that I loved her and cared about her, and wished her all the best. Or, maybe I just wanted to fool myself into thinking there was a chance - I don't know. You would think after everything I could just walk away from it, but it is very difficult. Despite everything, I love her.
Everything I read about getting over a break-up suggests that the first thing you have to do is admit to yourself that it is over - I try, but sometimes it is hard to really accept it. Once she moves out it will likely get easier, but the next few days are going to be tough. I don't really know how to function any more as a single person, which is a problem in and of itself. All of my interests seem kind of solitary at the moment, and I am literally just not sure what to do any more.
Ah well, one step at a time, one day at a time... I'm hanging in.
Wednesday, May 2, 2012
Day 10: Ego Bruise
The good news is that I haven't posted in a few days - apparently, the weekends are much harder for me because I'm a bit more alone then, and I am sure this is something I can focus on moving forward. Good stuff.
The bad news is that I did that whole "who is my ex seeing now" thing, and finally figured out the guy that I am pretty certain she cheated on me/betrayed me with, and so now that's been on mind the last little bit (and by last little bit, I mean basically non-stop the past two hours).
It's weird - most of the day I have been going through the motions overall, but in general I've been pretty happy and relieved that I'm actually not in the relationship. There is something about a breakup that suddenly allows you to hear every single person who has been saying "maybe you two aren't right for each other" or "She sounds crazy man" and other helpful things - and then realizing that your friends have been saying that for years makes you feel a bit better.
I've also realized in general how unsupportive my ex was. Like, to the extreme, as some seventies surfer might say - I mean literally, I do believe she hated everyone I know and everything that I did - it is somewhat phenomenal to realize how much I cut myself off. It is also interesting to start realizing how her opinion mattered so much to me that I treated it like it was the truth... however, now I am starting to see that it was just opinion, and didn't hold any more weight than a random psycho on the street... or at least it shouldn't have.
Sigh. All of that said, I still love her, and even though I'm working hard to get to a place where I can truly wish her nothing but happiness in life, it is not always the easiest thing in the world to do or maintain. For example, as I mentioned previously, today is the day I figured out who she had started "hanging with" when we were doing that whole we're-broken-up-but-we're-together/trying to work it out thing - and also the guy that I am fairly certain she lied to me about. There is something about putting a face with a name (or even learning a last name) that has really got me fired up - I knew it was probably a bad idea to ask questions (and in fact said so in a conversation earlier today), but sometimes you just do the thing that you know is an absolutely terrible idea.
Speaking of knowing it was a bad idea, I literally had this conversation with my friend "JT" today - I asked him a question about his ex, and then we ended up having this conversation on the street for like 30 minutes about going through a breakup - he and I have both been going through a lot of the same things, but neither one of us had really talked about it with the other one before. It was interesting to hear that I am not crazy, or at least if I am, then we both are doing the same crazy things. It was also nice to hear that he is facing some of the same issues - I mean, I've been feeling like I need to change hang-out spots, eating establishments, routes that I walk, avoid my apartment (yep, she is still my neighbor for 2 more weeks), and other such things - but at the same time I feel like in some ways that I am "letting her win." Hearing him talk about doing the same things was a good reminder that it isn't about winning some kind of competition that you create in your brain, but rather about being okay and taking care of yourself in the long run - and sometimes that means avoiding things, changing habits, creating some space, gaining perspective, getting a little distance, or whatever other generic term comes to mind. Sometimes, you just need your space!
Also, it was good to hear that I'm not the only person that has issues with the whole "I broke it off with them, but then I started thinking about it, so we decided to try, and now she is gone/not interested/seeing someone else/moving on." My buddy was in the same boat - he broke it off, but then gave it some effort, which made it worse. I could definitely relate to that. I mean, during my "I hate the ex" moments, I'm so annoyed at myself for giving her the opportunity to hurt me further, or to really end things on her terms - it was like some kind of sick and twisted game where she got the upper hand by taking advantage of my love for her. But, I suppose if I'm being honest about it, it's really not about her - that crap won't matter in months/years, and when I stop thinking about it and it stops hurting it really won't matter who did what during the break-up - either way, it will be over.
Ah well, hopefully writing about this a bit has calmed me down - despite doing okay for a few days, I think seeing a picture of the guy and learning his name (thank you social media and Google), plus seeing her acting shady in waiting to add him on Facebook until a few weeks after that night they "hung-out" and he "slept on the floor" at her place (yes, the use of quotes is intentional - I believe that I don't believe her, which is also hard to come terms with because I have to acknowledge the hurt and pain that the break in trust creates... at some point) just comes off really shady and makes it a bit worse.
But in truth, I guess it doesn't really change anything. We're still broken up, I'm still annoyed with her, and I am still flashing between a variety of emotions all across the spectrum - from hope to hate, from love to lust, from relief to anxiety, and a million others - but life is marching on.
Still, I wish I would heal already - I'm very tired of hurting.
The bad news is that I did that whole "who is my ex seeing now" thing, and finally figured out the guy that I am pretty certain she cheated on me/betrayed me with, and so now that's been on mind the last little bit (and by last little bit, I mean basically non-stop the past two hours).
It's weird - most of the day I have been going through the motions overall, but in general I've been pretty happy and relieved that I'm actually not in the relationship. There is something about a breakup that suddenly allows you to hear every single person who has been saying "maybe you two aren't right for each other" or "She sounds crazy man" and other helpful things - and then realizing that your friends have been saying that for years makes you feel a bit better.
I've also realized in general how unsupportive my ex was. Like, to the extreme, as some seventies surfer might say - I mean literally, I do believe she hated everyone I know and everything that I did - it is somewhat phenomenal to realize how much I cut myself off. It is also interesting to start realizing how her opinion mattered so much to me that I treated it like it was the truth... however, now I am starting to see that it was just opinion, and didn't hold any more weight than a random psycho on the street... or at least it shouldn't have.
Sigh. All of that said, I still love her, and even though I'm working hard to get to a place where I can truly wish her nothing but happiness in life, it is not always the easiest thing in the world to do or maintain. For example, as I mentioned previously, today is the day I figured out who she had started "hanging with" when we were doing that whole we're-broken-up-but-we're-together/trying to work it out thing - and also the guy that I am fairly certain she lied to me about. There is something about putting a face with a name (or even learning a last name) that has really got me fired up - I knew it was probably a bad idea to ask questions (and in fact said so in a conversation earlier today), but sometimes you just do the thing that you know is an absolutely terrible idea.
Speaking of knowing it was a bad idea, I literally had this conversation with my friend "JT" today - I asked him a question about his ex, and then we ended up having this conversation on the street for like 30 minutes about going through a breakup - he and I have both been going through a lot of the same things, but neither one of us had really talked about it with the other one before. It was interesting to hear that I am not crazy, or at least if I am, then we both are doing the same crazy things. It was also nice to hear that he is facing some of the same issues - I mean, I've been feeling like I need to change hang-out spots, eating establishments, routes that I walk, avoid my apartment (yep, she is still my neighbor for 2 more weeks), and other such things - but at the same time I feel like in some ways that I am "letting her win." Hearing him talk about doing the same things was a good reminder that it isn't about winning some kind of competition that you create in your brain, but rather about being okay and taking care of yourself in the long run - and sometimes that means avoiding things, changing habits, creating some space, gaining perspective, getting a little distance, or whatever other generic term comes to mind. Sometimes, you just need your space!
Also, it was good to hear that I'm not the only person that has issues with the whole "I broke it off with them, but then I started thinking about it, so we decided to try, and now she is gone/not interested/seeing someone else/moving on." My buddy was in the same boat - he broke it off, but then gave it some effort, which made it worse. I could definitely relate to that. I mean, during my "I hate the ex" moments, I'm so annoyed at myself for giving her the opportunity to hurt me further, or to really end things on her terms - it was like some kind of sick and twisted game where she got the upper hand by taking advantage of my love for her. But, I suppose if I'm being honest about it, it's really not about her - that crap won't matter in months/years, and when I stop thinking about it and it stops hurting it really won't matter who did what during the break-up - either way, it will be over.
Ah well, hopefully writing about this a bit has calmed me down - despite doing okay for a few days, I think seeing a picture of the guy and learning his name (thank you social media and Google), plus seeing her acting shady in waiting to add him on Facebook until a few weeks after that night they "hung-out" and he "slept on the floor" at her place (yes, the use of quotes is intentional - I believe that I don't believe her, which is also hard to come terms with because I have to acknowledge the hurt and pain that the break in trust creates... at some point) just comes off really shady and makes it a bit worse.
But in truth, I guess it doesn't really change anything. We're still broken up, I'm still annoyed with her, and I am still flashing between a variety of emotions all across the spectrum - from hope to hate, from love to lust, from relief to anxiety, and a million others - but life is marching on.
Still, I wish I would heal already - I'm very tired of hurting.
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Day 7: Bother Me Please!
It is ironic to me that the title of my last post was "Leave Me Alone", and yet today all I really want is some type of contact with the ex. I mean, good lord, I miss her so very much. I want to know she is okay, I want to see her smile, and I just want to hold her in my arms.
Unfortunately, the truth is that she is probably spending the weekend with her new person, which also makes me feel a bit pathetic in all honesty. I try to be strong and also not be hard on myself, but its difficult.
The biggest challenge that I am facing right now, beyond the overwhelming loneliness and sadness is that I am caught in the middle of a life evaluation. It was happening before and during the breakup, but after the false start of getting back together (which led to mass amounts of confusion), I really stopped and looked at things.
At first, I started looking at her, and pondering whether I could be with someone who had all of her flaws and faults. But then I realized that I have been approaching things all wrong, and that what I really need to start focusing on is my own goals and values. Truthfully, I would love to walk down the path of life with her, and I love her and accept her for who she is. I mean, I have spent so much time accepting her that I have probably allowed this relationship - allowed the relationship I should say - to deteriorate because I was working so hard on understanding her without expressing myself. The truth is, I was absolutely terrified of losing her, but also struggling to communicate my needs with her. I wanted her to understand me, to understand where I am, and to understand the hopes, goals, and dreams that I have. I just felt like she was so scared of me, of losing me, of my breaking her heart, of not being able to trust me that she just couldn't hear me... and at some point I stopped talking. I started hiding from her, hiding my need from her, and hiding my love - instead, I focused on trying to maintain this calm exterior and just being patient. I tried to wait on her to change, instead of making changes myself.
Half the time this blog is just some giant ramble about the crazy stuff in my head - but I am trying to grow. I cannot do anything about losing her - she is gone. It is hard to give up hope and let go, and it is hard to not want to go after her with everything I have, but in some ways this is my chance to be the kind of person that I really desire to be. I want to start showing more respect and love to the people that I care about, and I feel like I did everything that I could to reconcile with her. Now, it is time to love and respect her by letting her go.
It's damn hard though. I don't want to quit on her. I don't want to give up. I am far from accepting things are over. I spent so much time working to believe in her that now I just don't know how to turn it off.
If she were here, I'd tell her - baby, I love you, and I'm sorry. I know that things were rough, but I never stopped loving you. I just didn't know what to do - I got frustrated and sad. I loved you with everything that I had, but I wanted you to love me back. I felt like I loved you for you, for all of you, and that I supported you through everything that you did and no matter what you may do - I just wanted the same things in return. I am tired of being the bad guy in your eyes - and so I gave up. I broke up with you not because I didn't love you, but because I wanted something different between us. I didn't want someone different, and I never meant to lose you - it wasn't that I didn't value, but rather that I just didn't know what to do anymore. I miss you everyday.
Sigh.
It feels like someone died, and I guess in a way someone did. I hurt. I am so sad, and I am having so much trouble functioning in my everyday life. I miss her so much. I see her everywhere - the street, the store, and I am definitely doing the classic tough break-up/loss thing where I wonder if I will always be alone now, or if I will ever find anyone as special as she was.
It isn't that I am idealizing her - she drove me crazy there on random occasions - but I never stopped loving her. I wanted desperately to reconnect with her, and I just didn't know how. I wish I could have expressed to her or made her understand that I hated growing apart just as much as she did, and I wish she knew how much she hurt me when she quit on me.
I guess it also hurts that she moved on so fast - it makes me feel lied to and betrayed, and honestly, not very specially. I am so tired of crying, and I am so alone - I'm a bit lost in my life right now because so many goals, hopes, and dreams were all involved in the relationship.
I miss her.
Unfortunately, the truth is that she is probably spending the weekend with her new person, which also makes me feel a bit pathetic in all honesty. I try to be strong and also not be hard on myself, but its difficult.
The biggest challenge that I am facing right now, beyond the overwhelming loneliness and sadness is that I am caught in the middle of a life evaluation. It was happening before and during the breakup, but after the false start of getting back together (which led to mass amounts of confusion), I really stopped and looked at things.
At first, I started looking at her, and pondering whether I could be with someone who had all of her flaws and faults. But then I realized that I have been approaching things all wrong, and that what I really need to start focusing on is my own goals and values. Truthfully, I would love to walk down the path of life with her, and I love her and accept her for who she is. I mean, I have spent so much time accepting her that I have probably allowed this relationship - allowed the relationship I should say - to deteriorate because I was working so hard on understanding her without expressing myself. The truth is, I was absolutely terrified of losing her, but also struggling to communicate my needs with her. I wanted her to understand me, to understand where I am, and to understand the hopes, goals, and dreams that I have. I just felt like she was so scared of me, of losing me, of my breaking her heart, of not being able to trust me that she just couldn't hear me... and at some point I stopped talking. I started hiding from her, hiding my need from her, and hiding my love - instead, I focused on trying to maintain this calm exterior and just being patient. I tried to wait on her to change, instead of making changes myself.
Half the time this blog is just some giant ramble about the crazy stuff in my head - but I am trying to grow. I cannot do anything about losing her - she is gone. It is hard to give up hope and let go, and it is hard to not want to go after her with everything I have, but in some ways this is my chance to be the kind of person that I really desire to be. I want to start showing more respect and love to the people that I care about, and I feel like I did everything that I could to reconcile with her. Now, it is time to love and respect her by letting her go.
It's damn hard though. I don't want to quit on her. I don't want to give up. I am far from accepting things are over. I spent so much time working to believe in her that now I just don't know how to turn it off.
If she were here, I'd tell her - baby, I love you, and I'm sorry. I know that things were rough, but I never stopped loving you. I just didn't know what to do - I got frustrated and sad. I loved you with everything that I had, but I wanted you to love me back. I felt like I loved you for you, for all of you, and that I supported you through everything that you did and no matter what you may do - I just wanted the same things in return. I am tired of being the bad guy in your eyes - and so I gave up. I broke up with you not because I didn't love you, but because I wanted something different between us. I didn't want someone different, and I never meant to lose you - it wasn't that I didn't value, but rather that I just didn't know what to do anymore. I miss you everyday.
Sigh.
It feels like someone died, and I guess in a way someone did. I hurt. I am so sad, and I am having so much trouble functioning in my everyday life. I miss her so much. I see her everywhere - the street, the store, and I am definitely doing the classic tough break-up/loss thing where I wonder if I will always be alone now, or if I will ever find anyone as special as she was.
It isn't that I am idealizing her - she drove me crazy there on random occasions - but I never stopped loving her. I wanted desperately to reconnect with her, and I just didn't know how. I wish I could have expressed to her or made her understand that I hated growing apart just as much as she did, and I wish she knew how much she hurt me when she quit on me.
I guess it also hurts that she moved on so fast - it makes me feel lied to and betrayed, and honestly, not very specially. I am so tired of crying, and I am so alone - I'm a bit lost in my life right now because so many goals, hopes, and dreams were all involved in the relationship.
I miss her.
Friday, April 27, 2012
Day 6: Leave Me Alone Already
Day 6 has come and gone, and I guess I should consider it a good sign that I did not write on Day 4 or or Day 5, but the truth is a lot of things happened in real life that got me busy and worried about other things.
For starters, one of my friends committed suicide. I mean, it is absolutely tragic, but if there is one thing that is absolutely guaranteed to give you some perspective on your break-up, then it has got to be ACTUALLY losing someone from your life. I mean, a break-up might be the end of a relationship, but if you truly love someone and care about them, you probably do not actually wish them dead. You might be angry, upset, hurt, etc, but the truth is you do not really want them dead. And, I guess that is what my friend's death has really helped me to understand - for both me, and my ex, life will go on - and it is pointless to waste any more time worrying about it or being angry. I do not mean to say that I am okay or that I am "over it" of course, but I do mean that when I stop and consider things, I really do actually want her to be okay and be happy.
All of that said, I cannot say that I like her very much. That is has been a very helpful distinction for me to make. I have realized that I can both love her and want all the best for her in the world, but at the same time I am not going to like her very much. And, why should I? The truth is she has lied to me, hurt me, betrayed me, and really broken my trust. She has let me down and led to the loss of many of my dreams, and that does not have to be okay. I can still still love her and want good things for her. The reason is that what happens after the break-up isn't about her - that ended when we ended. Rather, it is about me, the person I want to be, and the values I have. For me, this means that I want to be above the petty stuff, and wish someone well whom I cared about - no matter what she did or didn't do.
Of course, she is already really putting this to the test. Beyond the new guy in her life, she had the audacity to text me yesterday after her computer crashed and asked to borrow some Mac cd's to install things on her computer in order to save money. I was absolutely stunned that she would dare to text me and ask me a favor after everything, especially since we really are not even on speaking terms, but then I realized that this is an opportunity for me to be the person that I want to be - not the person that is hurting and lashing out because of the pain of a break-up, but rather the nice person that I was and will be after the break-up is out of my mind. Therefore, I loaned her the cd's. Of course, it definitely messed with my head a bit, even though I really went out of my way to not see her and just slid them under her door (the joys of being stuck as neighbors for a bit).
Even then though, I still longed for her. Despite everything, on some level I was disappointed that I didn't see her when she brought them back, but I was also thankful that she slid them under my door as well. Of course, all that went out the window because I saw her twice after that, and it hurt to see her.
A little contact with her was just like having just one drink for an alcoholic - all day I have been missing her and wishing I would see her, hear from her, get a text message, or something... I suppose her hanging out with her new man should help, but for some reason it doesn't. It does make me question certain things, including the timing of their relationship, how honest she ever was with me, and 100's of other things... but I leave it alone. I guess it is a good thing I completely deleted her from my phone and such - missing her would make me want to give in.
I have no idea why she asked for those cd's - she has money, and if she is really so cheap as to use my feelings for her to get some free software, well then that makes me think less of her. At the very least, it was an inconsiderate move. Just leave me alone already - this is hard enough.
For starters, one of my friends committed suicide. I mean, it is absolutely tragic, but if there is one thing that is absolutely guaranteed to give you some perspective on your break-up, then it has got to be ACTUALLY losing someone from your life. I mean, a break-up might be the end of a relationship, but if you truly love someone and care about them, you probably do not actually wish them dead. You might be angry, upset, hurt, etc, but the truth is you do not really want them dead. And, I guess that is what my friend's death has really helped me to understand - for both me, and my ex, life will go on - and it is pointless to waste any more time worrying about it or being angry. I do not mean to say that I am okay or that I am "over it" of course, but I do mean that when I stop and consider things, I really do actually want her to be okay and be happy.
All of that said, I cannot say that I like her very much. That is has been a very helpful distinction for me to make. I have realized that I can both love her and want all the best for her in the world, but at the same time I am not going to like her very much. And, why should I? The truth is she has lied to me, hurt me, betrayed me, and really broken my trust. She has let me down and led to the loss of many of my dreams, and that does not have to be okay. I can still still love her and want good things for her. The reason is that what happens after the break-up isn't about her - that ended when we ended. Rather, it is about me, the person I want to be, and the values I have. For me, this means that I want to be above the petty stuff, and wish someone well whom I cared about - no matter what she did or didn't do.
Of course, she is already really putting this to the test. Beyond the new guy in her life, she had the audacity to text me yesterday after her computer crashed and asked to borrow some Mac cd's to install things on her computer in order to save money. I was absolutely stunned that she would dare to text me and ask me a favor after everything, especially since we really are not even on speaking terms, but then I realized that this is an opportunity for me to be the person that I want to be - not the person that is hurting and lashing out because of the pain of a break-up, but rather the nice person that I was and will be after the break-up is out of my mind. Therefore, I loaned her the cd's. Of course, it definitely messed with my head a bit, even though I really went out of my way to not see her and just slid them under her door (the joys of being stuck as neighbors for a bit).
Even then though, I still longed for her. Despite everything, on some level I was disappointed that I didn't see her when she brought them back, but I was also thankful that she slid them under my door as well. Of course, all that went out the window because I saw her twice after that, and it hurt to see her.
A little contact with her was just like having just one drink for an alcoholic - all day I have been missing her and wishing I would see her, hear from her, get a text message, or something... I suppose her hanging out with her new man should help, but for some reason it doesn't. It does make me question certain things, including the timing of their relationship, how honest she ever was with me, and 100's of other things... but I leave it alone. I guess it is a good thing I completely deleted her from my phone and such - missing her would make me want to give in.
I have no idea why she asked for those cd's - she has money, and if she is really so cheap as to use my feelings for her to get some free software, well then that makes me think less of her. At the very least, it was an inconsiderate move. Just leave me alone already - this is hard enough.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Day 3: Seeing the Ex is Rough
I'm writing this post a little earlier than I might normally, as most of the time I wait until before bed to write and express my feelings, but today I am especially upset at the moment, so I figured I would go ahead and write.
First off, I didn't sleep well once again last night. I had this nightmare/dream about she and I moving out of an apartment/apartments together, and it was so hard. What's weird is that we do not even live together now, so it was even more painful because it was a dream about the loss of my future hopes. It was very, very sad.
After waking up from that dream, I had a lot of trouble getting out of bed this morning. It was just hard to motivate myself to get up and get going. I just wanted to lie there, try to sleep, and avoid dealing with my grief and loss. However, at some point, I realized that I was not doing myself any favors by lying in bed and hiding from dealing with the world, so I got up and went to the gym. I did about an hour of cardio, felt a little better, and came on home to eat.
It was about thirty minutes later that I heard a knock on my door. I think I heard it several times, but since I wasn't expecting anyone, I really didn't pay much attention at first. However, when I realized someone was knocking, I ran over. If I had been thinking just a little bit, I would have moved much more slowly, or not at all... for when I opened the door, it was the ex standing there.
Apparently, she had found something that I had thrown away, and was at my door to check and see if I had meant to throw it away. Part of me wanted to shout that of course I meant to throw it away, that I didn't want anything that reminded me of her, that she had broken my heart, and then I wanted to scream at her and ask her while she was at my door. However, I keep trying to be positive, and accept the fact that I am angry, upset, grief-stricken, sad, heart-broken, and a whirlwind of other emotions, but that yelling and screaming won't do either one of us any good. I mean, regardless of how much she hurt me, this is still someone that I loved very much and cared about very much, so instead of yelling I just simply told her that I did mean to throw it away, and then although I was upset, angry, hurt, and everything else, that I loved her very much and wished her happiness. When she walked away, it hurt so badly, but there was really nothing else for me to say.
Even though I feel like begging and pleading with her, I know that at the end of the day none of that is going to do any good. The relationship is over, and although it is hard for me to wrap my mind around that and believe that it is true, I know that it is. Part of the grieving process is getting over that denial and shock, getting past the angry phase, and accepting loss. I'm not foolish enough to say that I am there yet - I still desperately want her back and miss her so very much, but I am trying to be self-aware enough to control the desperation from coming out in my words and behavior.
It was very hard though, and afterwards I found myself looking at my phone again, hoping against hope that she was text or call, that she had realized her mistake and that she wanted to talk to me, that she loved me, and that she wanted me back, but the phone never rang and the text never showed on screen. She went home, just as much gone from my life as she was before I saw her today, and I struggled not to cry.
It is hard. She was my best friend. She was my pal. She was my confidant. She was the person that I shared every single thing with, and I really miss her from my life. I loved her very much. That isn't to say that we didn't have our problems, because we definitely did, but merely that my love for her transcended all of our issues.
I guess it is hard to stop believing in someone that you spent so much time believing in. It is also hard not to judge yourself for the mistakes you know you made, for the things you said, for the the things you failed to say. It is hard to face the broken dreams, the lonely times, the sadness, and the heartache. It is hard to wake up each day and go to bed each night without seeing the person that you love so very much.
I keep trying to tell myself that it will get better, and that I just have to take it one day at a time, but it is extremely hard to believe that sometimes.
Today's emotions: Anger. Sadness. Hurt. Fear. Self-loathing. Hope. Despair. Love. Regret.
I'm anxious, I'm scared, and I really do wish she was here to comfort me. Even though I know she won't be, it would feel so very good to just hold her or be held by here. It's another one of those things that you really don't realize how much you value until it is gone, and now that it's too late, it is really the only thing that I crave. I had all of this opportunity for time with her, and I find myself looking back wishing I had taken more advantage of it.
Life is hard. It is hard to balance things in life, to give time to everything that you need to, and it is hard to live with this much hurt in my heart everyday. One day at a time, that's all I say each day, one day at a time.
And when that seems like too much, I just say one hour, or one minute. I try to get just one thing done.
Sigh. I miss her. If you are reading this and going through a break-up, then know that even though it feels like no one else can understand your pain, trust me when I tell you that I know what you are going through. I am in agony. I hurt all over. I want to run away. I want to vomit. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I want the pain to stop.
But I march on. One minute. One hour. One day. I march on.
First off, I didn't sleep well once again last night. I had this nightmare/dream about she and I moving out of an apartment/apartments together, and it was so hard. What's weird is that we do not even live together now, so it was even more painful because it was a dream about the loss of my future hopes. It was very, very sad.
After waking up from that dream, I had a lot of trouble getting out of bed this morning. It was just hard to motivate myself to get up and get going. I just wanted to lie there, try to sleep, and avoid dealing with my grief and loss. However, at some point, I realized that I was not doing myself any favors by lying in bed and hiding from dealing with the world, so I got up and went to the gym. I did about an hour of cardio, felt a little better, and came on home to eat.
It was about thirty minutes later that I heard a knock on my door. I think I heard it several times, but since I wasn't expecting anyone, I really didn't pay much attention at first. However, when I realized someone was knocking, I ran over. If I had been thinking just a little bit, I would have moved much more slowly, or not at all... for when I opened the door, it was the ex standing there.
Apparently, she had found something that I had thrown away, and was at my door to check and see if I had meant to throw it away. Part of me wanted to shout that of course I meant to throw it away, that I didn't want anything that reminded me of her, that she had broken my heart, and then I wanted to scream at her and ask her while she was at my door. However, I keep trying to be positive, and accept the fact that I am angry, upset, grief-stricken, sad, heart-broken, and a whirlwind of other emotions, but that yelling and screaming won't do either one of us any good. I mean, regardless of how much she hurt me, this is still someone that I loved very much and cared about very much, so instead of yelling I just simply told her that I did mean to throw it away, and then although I was upset, angry, hurt, and everything else, that I loved her very much and wished her happiness. When she walked away, it hurt so badly, but there was really nothing else for me to say.
Even though I feel like begging and pleading with her, I know that at the end of the day none of that is going to do any good. The relationship is over, and although it is hard for me to wrap my mind around that and believe that it is true, I know that it is. Part of the grieving process is getting over that denial and shock, getting past the angry phase, and accepting loss. I'm not foolish enough to say that I am there yet - I still desperately want her back and miss her so very much, but I am trying to be self-aware enough to control the desperation from coming out in my words and behavior.
It was very hard though, and afterwards I found myself looking at my phone again, hoping against hope that she was text or call, that she had realized her mistake and that she wanted to talk to me, that she loved me, and that she wanted me back, but the phone never rang and the text never showed on screen. She went home, just as much gone from my life as she was before I saw her today, and I struggled not to cry.
It is hard. She was my best friend. She was my pal. She was my confidant. She was the person that I shared every single thing with, and I really miss her from my life. I loved her very much. That isn't to say that we didn't have our problems, because we definitely did, but merely that my love for her transcended all of our issues.
I guess it is hard to stop believing in someone that you spent so much time believing in. It is also hard not to judge yourself for the mistakes you know you made, for the things you said, for the the things you failed to say. It is hard to face the broken dreams, the lonely times, the sadness, and the heartache. It is hard to wake up each day and go to bed each night without seeing the person that you love so very much.
I keep trying to tell myself that it will get better, and that I just have to take it one day at a time, but it is extremely hard to believe that sometimes.
Today's emotions: Anger. Sadness. Hurt. Fear. Self-loathing. Hope. Despair. Love. Regret.
I'm anxious, I'm scared, and I really do wish she was here to comfort me. Even though I know she won't be, it would feel so very good to just hold her or be held by here. It's another one of those things that you really don't realize how much you value until it is gone, and now that it's too late, it is really the only thing that I crave. I had all of this opportunity for time with her, and I find myself looking back wishing I had taken more advantage of it.
Life is hard. It is hard to balance things in life, to give time to everything that you need to, and it is hard to live with this much hurt in my heart everyday. One day at a time, that's all I say each day, one day at a time.
And when that seems like too much, I just say one hour, or one minute. I try to get just one thing done.
Sigh. I miss her. If you are reading this and going through a break-up, then know that even though it feels like no one else can understand your pain, trust me when I tell you that I know what you are going through. I am in agony. I hurt all over. I want to run away. I want to vomit. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I want the pain to stop.
But I march on. One minute. One hour. One day. I march on.
Monday, April 23, 2012
Day 2: Roller-Coaster of Emotions
Well, I survived the second official day of my break-up (and am continuing to use hyphens!).
The day was pretty strange and I was all over the place, but I did survive. It started when I woke up about 6am and then was suddenly hit by the fact that it was indeed all over and that I am in fact now without "she who shall not be named" (think Lord Voldemort - I just don't want to say the name for fear that evil will descend upon me). I then proceeded to wake up every hour on the hour stressed out, worrying, etc, before forcing myself up and into the shower.
Beyond that, the rest of the day was weird. There were times where I felt free and on top of the world, moments where I was so angry I thought I would beat someone up, times where I was so sad it was a struggle not to cry, and everything else in between. There were times where I just wanted to hide in my bed, times where I wanted to flirt with a girl just because, and moments where I felt like the most hideous person in the world. It was quite the roller-coaster.
I tried to do all of the right things today. One thing that I have realized is that I actually do need to talk to a few friends about it all. For me part of accepting that it is all over is that I need to actually admit it to other people, and also talk about what I am going through. Luckily for me, I had several great friends who were willing to listen, be encouraging, and offer whatever assistance they could. There was something awesome about that. It also made me realize how much I had cut myself off from others while being in this relationship, and it was nice to reconnect and see that I have so many people still there for me.
Another thing that I realized today is that even though I am very upset about the end of the relationship, in a lot of ways it is very freeing. The reasons that I wanted to break-up were because I couldn't see any type of solution or resolution to problems, and even though love kept me hanging in there, the actual end of the relationship is actually a very good experience in some levels. I no longer have to worry about the fighting, or how things will get resolved, or a multitude of other things that I was constantly stressing over before. Instead, I only have to take of myself and worry about me.
Beyond that, I just tried to accomplish a few small things today. I made myself a list of things that I wanted to accomplish, got a few of them done, and also made certain that I engaged myself in some activities for fun and excitement. I met up with a group and watched a movie (My Cousin Vinny) and ate some food - even giving myself a break from the diet I have been on), and then went to the gym afterwards. A guy there really got on my nerves, and I could definitely feel that I was on edge over him doing something very annoying but not worth getting mad over, so I just chalked it up to some internal feelings of rage and frustration.
Other than that, I just have been trying to stay positive. One thing I am really working on is NOT saying hateful things or directing any type of hate towards my ex - instead, I am just trying to keep in mind that this was someone that I loved, that I was willing to work on things with, and that no matter how much I feel betrayed, hurt, etc - that time we had together was still special. I try to keep in mind that I am very proud of myself for taking a risk and trying my best to make the relationship work - I wasn't perfect, but instead of beating myself up I hope to learn from the experience and do better in the future.
It was tough coming home today - still have to walk by her apartment and know that she is there, and it upsets me a bit, but it wasn't too terrible today. Just taking it all one day at a time.
The day was pretty strange and I was all over the place, but I did survive. It started when I woke up about 6am and then was suddenly hit by the fact that it was indeed all over and that I am in fact now without "she who shall not be named" (think Lord Voldemort - I just don't want to say the name for fear that evil will descend upon me). I then proceeded to wake up every hour on the hour stressed out, worrying, etc, before forcing myself up and into the shower.
Beyond that, the rest of the day was weird. There were times where I felt free and on top of the world, moments where I was so angry I thought I would beat someone up, times where I was so sad it was a struggle not to cry, and everything else in between. There were times where I just wanted to hide in my bed, times where I wanted to flirt with a girl just because, and moments where I felt like the most hideous person in the world. It was quite the roller-coaster.
I tried to do all of the right things today. One thing that I have realized is that I actually do need to talk to a few friends about it all. For me part of accepting that it is all over is that I need to actually admit it to other people, and also talk about what I am going through. Luckily for me, I had several great friends who were willing to listen, be encouraging, and offer whatever assistance they could. There was something awesome about that. It also made me realize how much I had cut myself off from others while being in this relationship, and it was nice to reconnect and see that I have so many people still there for me.
Another thing that I realized today is that even though I am very upset about the end of the relationship, in a lot of ways it is very freeing. The reasons that I wanted to break-up were because I couldn't see any type of solution or resolution to problems, and even though love kept me hanging in there, the actual end of the relationship is actually a very good experience in some levels. I no longer have to worry about the fighting, or how things will get resolved, or a multitude of other things that I was constantly stressing over before. Instead, I only have to take of myself and worry about me.
Beyond that, I just tried to accomplish a few small things today. I made myself a list of things that I wanted to accomplish, got a few of them done, and also made certain that I engaged myself in some activities for fun and excitement. I met up with a group and watched a movie (My Cousin Vinny) and ate some food - even giving myself a break from the diet I have been on), and then went to the gym afterwards. A guy there really got on my nerves, and I could definitely feel that I was on edge over him doing something very annoying but not worth getting mad over, so I just chalked it up to some internal feelings of rage and frustration.
Other than that, I just have been trying to stay positive. One thing I am really working on is NOT saying hateful things or directing any type of hate towards my ex - instead, I am just trying to keep in mind that this was someone that I loved, that I was willing to work on things with, and that no matter how much I feel betrayed, hurt, etc - that time we had together was still special. I try to keep in mind that I am very proud of myself for taking a risk and trying my best to make the relationship work - I wasn't perfect, but instead of beating myself up I hope to learn from the experience and do better in the future.
It was tough coming home today - still have to walk by her apartment and know that she is there, and it upsets me a bit, but it wasn't too terrible today. Just taking it all one day at a time.
Sunday, April 22, 2012
My Break Up: Day 1
I titled this post "My Break Up: Day 1" but in truth it should probably read something more along the lines of "My Break Up: Day 51." Unfortunately for me, I followed a pattern that is typical of the majority of relationships that I have had in life, and that a lot of people probably follow as well, and thus my break up did not truly become real to me until today.
Before I get into all of that, and tell you the story of what happened, I suppose that I should start by telling you why I am writing this blog. First and foremost, it is to keep myself sane. Yes, admittedly there are entirely selfish reasons for this blog, and the primary one of those is to keep me from climbing walls, being locked in a padded room, drinking myself into a stupor, or some other terrible fate that I am sure I would regret once I get over the grief and pain that I am going through.
Second, I thought that it might be nice to share this experience with others. I mean, I found myself searching the web for break up advice all day. I looked at everything from dealing with a break up to how long should you date after a break up - heck, I even looked up how to spell break up (is it one word? is there a hyphen? should there be?) and in truth I just found myself desperately reading anything that might help me to deal with this pain inside. I figure that if I am out there looking for help, then you might be as well, and perhaps sharing my story with you might help - which is a good thing. Just bear in mind that I'm being a bit humorous for your benefit, and the truth of the matter is that a few hours ago I was lying on my floor crying as I stared at the ceiling.
Another reason for writing this is because I believe it will be therapeutic. If there is one piece of advice that I have read over and over it is that you should get your pain and such out of your body with writing - not only is it good for you, but the mere effort of writing about the break up every single day will supposedly get bothersome and lead you to eventually dread thinking or writing about it - and trust me when I can say that not thinking about all of this and moving on would be a sweet luxury that I almost don't dare to dream of.
Finally, I need something to pass the time. Honestly, I'm so sad and upset that I am not being very productive in life. If I am to be very honest, I also do not smell very well right now either. Doing anything seems like a great burden, and although I was able to force myself to the gym for a bit earlier, the act of taking a shower afterwards proved to be too much.
I am going to assume that I am going to have plenty to say about this break up as time goes on, and face some very unique challenges that you will enjoy reading about - and by enjoy, what I really mean is that I am certain that my fellow sufferers will identify with my pain and suffering, as I deal with one of the worst possible break up situations - for the next month, my ex-girlfriend is also my neighbor living two doors down. We broke up about 51 days ago, and have about 30 days left to go as neighbors.
Even better? She's seeing someone else now. Even better? She lied to me about it at first, which allowed me to have hope, and she even talked to me about us getting back together (at which time we also slept together - DO NOT MAKE THIS MISTAKE IF YOU VALUE YOUR SANITY). So, while I am all really working hard on re-committing myself to the relationship, trying to convince myself that it can work, and dealing with all of my fears of it not working, she is out seeing another guy.
You may ask in light of all of this information why I am calling today "My Break Up: Day 1" and that is a very valid question. I suppose the short and simple answer is that I only found out/figured out all of this information about the other guy today, and finally realized that the relationship is in fact over. Thus, today is Day 1 for me.
Although I am in massive pain, the irony of the situation is not lost upon me, and I realize that the truth about most break-ups (I switched to hyphens there - seems more correct and also matches the movie title) is that one person is always a few weeks or months (or god forbid years) behind. One person always has more time to mentally adjust and deal with it, and the other person finds themselves caught off guard.
One of the things that I am most annoyed about regarding my prior relationship is that I tried to break it off on numerous occasions because I knew it was unhealthy and problematic, but for some reason(s) (to be explored later) I kept getting back into it. Eventually, those on-again off-again break-ups were part of what led some of our issues, but lest I digress too much...
I was the hare. She was the tortoise. I sprinted off into the land of being okay without her, of being okay without the relationship, and of winning the race towards being okay... only to find in the end that she was at the finish line well ahead of me. Ouch.
Stay tuned for the thrilling story (likely to be updated often) of my break-up.
Before I get into all of that, and tell you the story of what happened, I suppose that I should start by telling you why I am writing this blog. First and foremost, it is to keep myself sane. Yes, admittedly there are entirely selfish reasons for this blog, and the primary one of those is to keep me from climbing walls, being locked in a padded room, drinking myself into a stupor, or some other terrible fate that I am sure I would regret once I get over the grief and pain that I am going through.
Second, I thought that it might be nice to share this experience with others. I mean, I found myself searching the web for break up advice all day. I looked at everything from dealing with a break up to how long should you date after a break up - heck, I even looked up how to spell break up (is it one word? is there a hyphen? should there be?) and in truth I just found myself desperately reading anything that might help me to deal with this pain inside. I figure that if I am out there looking for help, then you might be as well, and perhaps sharing my story with you might help - which is a good thing. Just bear in mind that I'm being a bit humorous for your benefit, and the truth of the matter is that a few hours ago I was lying on my floor crying as I stared at the ceiling.
Another reason for writing this is because I believe it will be therapeutic. If there is one piece of advice that I have read over and over it is that you should get your pain and such out of your body with writing - not only is it good for you, but the mere effort of writing about the break up every single day will supposedly get bothersome and lead you to eventually dread thinking or writing about it - and trust me when I can say that not thinking about all of this and moving on would be a sweet luxury that I almost don't dare to dream of.
Finally, I need something to pass the time. Honestly, I'm so sad and upset that I am not being very productive in life. If I am to be very honest, I also do not smell very well right now either. Doing anything seems like a great burden, and although I was able to force myself to the gym for a bit earlier, the act of taking a shower afterwards proved to be too much.
I am going to assume that I am going to have plenty to say about this break up as time goes on, and face some very unique challenges that you will enjoy reading about - and by enjoy, what I really mean is that I am certain that my fellow sufferers will identify with my pain and suffering, as I deal with one of the worst possible break up situations - for the next month, my ex-girlfriend is also my neighbor living two doors down. We broke up about 51 days ago, and have about 30 days left to go as neighbors.
Even better? She's seeing someone else now. Even better? She lied to me about it at first, which allowed me to have hope, and she even talked to me about us getting back together (at which time we also slept together - DO NOT MAKE THIS MISTAKE IF YOU VALUE YOUR SANITY). So, while I am all really working hard on re-committing myself to the relationship, trying to convince myself that it can work, and dealing with all of my fears of it not working, she is out seeing another guy.
You may ask in light of all of this information why I am calling today "My Break Up: Day 1" and that is a very valid question. I suppose the short and simple answer is that I only found out/figured out all of this information about the other guy today, and finally realized that the relationship is in fact over. Thus, today is Day 1 for me.
Although I am in massive pain, the irony of the situation is not lost upon me, and I realize that the truth about most break-ups (I switched to hyphens there - seems more correct and also matches the movie title) is that one person is always a few weeks or months (or god forbid years) behind. One person always has more time to mentally adjust and deal with it, and the other person finds themselves caught off guard.
One of the things that I am most annoyed about regarding my prior relationship is that I tried to break it off on numerous occasions because I knew it was unhealthy and problematic, but for some reason(s) (to be explored later) I kept getting back into it. Eventually, those on-again off-again break-ups were part of what led some of our issues, but lest I digress too much...
I was the hare. She was the tortoise. I sprinted off into the land of being okay without her, of being okay without the relationship, and of winning the race towards being okay... only to find in the end that she was at the finish line well ahead of me. Ouch.
Stay tuned for the thrilling story (likely to be updated often) of my break-up.
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