It is ironic to me that the title of my last post was "Leave Me Alone", and yet today all I really want is some type of contact with the ex. I mean, good lord, I miss her so very much. I want to know she is okay, I want to see her smile, and I just want to hold her in my arms.
Unfortunately, the truth is that she is probably spending the weekend with her new person, which also makes me feel a bit pathetic in all honesty. I try to be strong and also not be hard on myself, but its difficult.
The biggest challenge that I am facing right now, beyond the overwhelming loneliness and sadness is that I am caught in the middle of a life evaluation. It was happening before and during the breakup, but after the false start of getting back together (which led to mass amounts of confusion), I really stopped and looked at things.
At first, I started looking at her, and pondering whether I could be with someone who had all of her flaws and faults. But then I realized that I have been approaching things all wrong, and that what I really need to start focusing on is my own goals and values. Truthfully, I would love to walk down the path of life with her, and I love her and accept her for who she is. I mean, I have spent so much time accepting her that I have probably allowed this relationship - allowed the relationship I should say - to deteriorate because I was working so hard on understanding her without expressing myself. The truth is, I was absolutely terrified of losing her, but also struggling to communicate my needs with her. I wanted her to understand me, to understand where I am, and to understand the hopes, goals, and dreams that I have. I just felt like she was so scared of me, of losing me, of my breaking her heart, of not being able to trust me that she just couldn't hear me... and at some point I stopped talking. I started hiding from her, hiding my need from her, and hiding my love - instead, I focused on trying to maintain this calm exterior and just being patient. I tried to wait on her to change, instead of making changes myself.
Half the time this blog is just some giant ramble about the crazy stuff in my head - but I am trying to grow. I cannot do anything about losing her - she is gone. It is hard to give up hope and let go, and it is hard to not want to go after her with everything I have, but in some ways this is my chance to be the kind of person that I really desire to be. I want to start showing more respect and love to the people that I care about, and I feel like I did everything that I could to reconcile with her. Now, it is time to love and respect her by letting her go.
It's damn hard though. I don't want to quit on her. I don't want to give up. I am far from accepting things are over. I spent so much time working to believe in her that now I just don't know how to turn it off.
If she were here, I'd tell her - baby, I love you, and I'm sorry. I know that things were rough, but I never stopped loving you. I just didn't know what to do - I got frustrated and sad. I loved you with everything that I had, but I wanted you to love me back. I felt like I loved you for you, for all of you, and that I supported you through everything that you did and no matter what you may do - I just wanted the same things in return. I am tired of being the bad guy in your eyes - and so I gave up. I broke up with you not because I didn't love you, but because I wanted something different between us. I didn't want someone different, and I never meant to lose you - it wasn't that I didn't value, but rather that I just didn't know what to do anymore. I miss you everyday.
Sigh.
It feels like someone died, and I guess in a way someone did. I hurt. I am so sad, and I am having so much trouble functioning in my everyday life. I miss her so much. I see her everywhere - the street, the store, and I am definitely doing the classic tough break-up/loss thing where I wonder if I will always be alone now, or if I will ever find anyone as special as she was.
It isn't that I am idealizing her - she drove me crazy there on random occasions - but I never stopped loving her. I wanted desperately to reconnect with her, and I just didn't know how. I wish I could have expressed to her or made her understand that I hated growing apart just as much as she did, and I wish she knew how much she hurt me when she quit on me.
I guess it also hurts that she moved on so fast - it makes me feel lied to and betrayed, and honestly, not very specially. I am so tired of crying, and I am so alone - I'm a bit lost in my life right now because so many goals, hopes, and dreams were all involved in the relationship.
I miss her.
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