Day 6 has come and gone, and I guess I should consider it a good sign that I did not write on Day 4 or or Day 5, but the truth is a lot of things happened in real life that got me busy and worried about other things.
For starters, one of my friends committed suicide. I mean, it is absolutely tragic, but if there is one thing that is absolutely guaranteed to give you some perspective on your break-up, then it has got to be ACTUALLY losing someone from your life. I mean, a break-up might be the end of a relationship, but if you truly love someone and care about them, you probably do not actually wish them dead. You might be angry, upset, hurt, etc, but the truth is you do not really want them dead. And, I guess that is what my friend's death has really helped me to understand - for both me, and my ex, life will go on - and it is pointless to waste any more time worrying about it or being angry. I do not mean to say that I am okay or that I am "over it" of course, but I do mean that when I stop and consider things, I really do actually want her to be okay and be happy.
All of that said, I cannot say that I like her very much. That is has been a very helpful distinction for me to make. I have realized that I can both love her and want all the best for her in the world, but at the same time I am not going to like her very much. And, why should I? The truth is she has lied to me, hurt me, betrayed me, and really broken my trust. She has let me down and led to the loss of many of my dreams, and that does not have to be okay. I can still still love her and want good things for her. The reason is that what happens after the break-up isn't about her - that ended when we ended. Rather, it is about me, the person I want to be, and the values I have. For me, this means that I want to be above the petty stuff, and wish someone well whom I cared about - no matter what she did or didn't do.
Of course, she is already really putting this to the test. Beyond the new guy in her life, she had the audacity to text me yesterday after her computer crashed and asked to borrow some Mac cd's to install things on her computer in order to save money. I was absolutely stunned that she would dare to text me and ask me a favor after everything, especially since we really are not even on speaking terms, but then I realized that this is an opportunity for me to be the person that I want to be - not the person that is hurting and lashing out because of the pain of a break-up, but rather the nice person that I was and will be after the break-up is out of my mind. Therefore, I loaned her the cd's. Of course, it definitely messed with my head a bit, even though I really went out of my way to not see her and just slid them under her door (the joys of being stuck as neighbors for a bit).
Even then though, I still longed for her. Despite everything, on some level I was disappointed that I didn't see her when she brought them back, but I was also thankful that she slid them under my door as well. Of course, all that went out the window because I saw her twice after that, and it hurt to see her.
A little contact with her was just like having just one drink for an alcoholic - all day I have been missing her and wishing I would see her, hear from her, get a text message, or something... I suppose her hanging out with her new man should help, but for some reason it doesn't. It does make me question certain things, including the timing of their relationship, how honest she ever was with me, and 100's of other things... but I leave it alone. I guess it is a good thing I completely deleted her from my phone and such - missing her would make me want to give in.
I have no idea why she asked for those cd's - she has money, and if she is really so cheap as to use my feelings for her to get some free software, well then that makes me think less of her. At the very least, it was an inconsiderate move. Just leave me alone already - this is hard enough.
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