Starting over...again... no seriously, again

I did something kind of stupid in the world of breakups last night - I talked with the ex.  Although, I suppose I should be fair in saying that she really isn't the ex, as apparently we were never dating.  We were just having sex, spending all of our time together, and in general being a couple in every aspect - but not dating.

I guess I wanted closure.  I also feel stupid in saying that, because if I had actually been willing to admit  it to myself, she had already given me closure.  She just took off on me.

Actually, even that is a lie, as I had already decided that I was tired of the relationship and ready to move on, but the fact that she was so ready to move on and just took off without fighting for me really hurt my feelings, and caused this knee jerk reaction within me where I suddenly wanted to fight for.  It seems like some kind of messed up game where I cared more about the challenge, the game, and the "fantasy" of the entire relationship than actually making it work.  It also brought to light all of my own issues with self-esteem, sadness, and loneliness - which I am having do deal with all at once during a period of stress.

Anyways, let me start with last night.  It was weird.  She had some things, and I should have honestly just let them go, but I suppose that if I am honest I used getting my stuff back as an excuse to talk to her and find out what was going on.  It is weird to lose someone from your life without ever having a face-to-face conversation with them - whether it was about my feelings or her feelings - and it just made me feel really disconcerted.  I suppose in the beginning I was "ahead" of her in dealing with not being together because I made that decision, but after she didn't fight and seemed so okay with it, I fell behind because I was so caught off guard by her not fighting and not seeming to care that suddenly I was way behind - how could she say all of these things to me and not fight?  Yes, clearly I have some issues here, but I wanted to talk to her, so I broke the golden rule of "no contact with the ex."

I showed up at her apartment and two things were immediately apparent.  The first is that she looked stunning - maybe the best I have ever seen her look, and it actually made things much more difficult.  Damn, how could she look so beautiful?  Also in my head - damn, how can she look so beautiful and put together and seem so fine during this time where I am hurting so much and feeling so much pain?  UGH!  The second thing was that all my stuff was just laid out on the table (except my damn flip-flops, which I didn't realize until later).  That kind of hurt - to just have someone put your life on a table and be like here - take it.

Unfortunately, I didn't just take it and leave.  Instead, because I was so hurt, I spent the next two hours talking to her where it became abundantly clearly that she and I were never in the same relationship in so many ways.  It is weird to have someone tell you so many things about how they feel about you and how much they love you, while at the same time trying to sit there and understand what the hell is happening and that they are actually leaving your life.  Worse, much worse, is actually caring about someone enough to listen to them, understand them and sympathize with them.  It is weird how such a conversation can bright to light so many misunderstandings.

In the end, it sucks.  I basically decided to put my heart on the table, totally open myself and expose myself to her and ultimately, allow her to reject me (again).  It definitely hurts way worse today (as expected), and it definitely feels like a fresh loss (grief phase much?).  Also, it probably makes me doubt my understanding of people in some ways - how can she say so much to me and feel so little?  Or, if she feels so much, how can she not fight?

I am reading this book which advises journaling - and here we are - and it also talks about people going through that feeling.  The questioning, the wondering, the agonizing and every other word you want to use - it is hard not to think about.  I keep telling myself that it does not really matter whether I agree with her, care about her or anything - the truth of the matter is that she took a look at us and decided it wasn't worth fighting for - and although that hurts, I should have enough self-esteem and such to realize that I want someone who will fight for me.  And, truthfully, I do want that.  It hurts that she didn't fight, but I suppose it is better to figure that out now than later.

Of course, there are a lot of issues around this particular relationship, but today I really just don't want to write anymore about it.  I hurt, I feel betrayed and I am having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that she is gone.  I should note I suppose that she asked me to be her boyfriend on December 27 and I told her I thought we should wait, she went on a trip to Italy, and by January 4 she was completely done - according to her, because she thought I was done.  WHICH, I have to say, I find absolutely stupid.  Check-in with me?  Ask me?  Do something!  It was just so idiotic on some level, which I suppose tells me more about her internal processes, but I feel robbed of my time and manipulated in a lot of ways.

So how do I feel?  I am sad.  I am frustrated.  I am angry.  I wish I hadn't wasted time on her.  I wish she would call me.  I hope she never calls.  I never want to see her again.  I miss her like crazy.  I hate her.  I love her.  I wish we could be friends.  She is a terrible person.  She is wonderful.

Yes, I am full of emotions.  It is hard not to see everything in black and white.  I am tempted to either romanticize everything and see her as perfect, or hate her and see everything terribly.   I will also say that I am having a lot of trouble not rewriting history in my head, and seeing her in a perfect light and also ignoring the myriad of problems that existed from the inception of that relationship.  So painful though.

I hurt a ton today.  I wish I hadn't seen her last night, but now at least I cannot fool myself about not having closure.  Today, I fully understand, that the relationship is 100% completely over.  It hurts so much and makes me feel so sad, but at least I know where I stand now.  It stings to be rejected.  It smarts to get rejected before I could do the rejecting, but at least I know where I stand.  It was the wrong relationship for me, and I knew that, but damn if I don't still love her and miss her so much.  Going to be a rough patch here for a little bit.

Another Breakup

It is weird to revisit this blog less than a year later and to read about how I felt at the end of my previous relationship.  Everything seemed so hard then, but unsurprisingly I got over it for the most part.  I went a long time without talking to the ex, began seeing someone new, and am now in the process of dealing with another breakup.

The interesting thing about reading this blog is that it seems like someone else wrote the other thing posts.  I barely remember the pain now that I was going through then, and this is likely due to the passage of time, and also because of the severe amount of pain that I am going through now.

This breakup is actually a weird one, and it reminds me of my previous one in that there was some strange lack of closure previously.  In my current situation, I am not even sure what the status of our relationship ever was, when we actually broke up, or even if we were ever actually together.  Weird right?  All I know is that we had a fight, she asked me to be with her, I told her we shouldn't jump back in, she fled the country, and then when I didn't respond to a few emails she decided I had moved on - and I thought I had too.  However, I feel the typical dumper's remorse in that I wasn't sure of the whole thing to start with, and now I am having a lot of doubts now that I ran into her again for the first time and we started talking.

A lot of the reasons that I needed space are the same reasons that I am having so much trouble now.  I am just uncertain about her, and I feel like I cannot really trust her.  It is hard to tell which comes first in this chicken-or-the-egg scenario - I cannot tell if she makes me feel insecure and then I act in a certain way or if me acting in a certain way because I am insecure is making her act a certain way - maybe I wasn't over my ex, maybe she wasn't over her ex, or any number of things,

I am honestly surprised to be writing on this blog again, but I really hurt today for some reason.  I miss her, and I think that the older I get the more I worry about being all alone for the rest of my life.  I am trying to be smart and stand up for myself here, because I want someone that wants to be with me, and I want someone to right for me.  I do not know however if that means that I am accidentally "testing" people's feelings by withdrawing, etc, and then reacting to what they do - it is entirely possible.  I do know however that I want to feel safe.  I didn't really feel safe with her, and we hid our relationship for a long time which took its toll on both of us, and now here I am again all alone and feeling blue.

I will try to write a bit more honestly about this moving forward, but as for tonight I just wanted to write something.  I am feeling better this evening than I did yesterday and this morning, but damn it this whole thing really hurts.