Another Breakup

It is weird to revisit this blog less than a year later and to read about how I felt at the end of my previous relationship.  Everything seemed so hard then, but unsurprisingly I got over it for the most part.  I went a long time without talking to the ex, began seeing someone new, and am now in the process of dealing with another breakup.

The interesting thing about reading this blog is that it seems like someone else wrote the other thing posts.  I barely remember the pain now that I was going through then, and this is likely due to the passage of time, and also because of the severe amount of pain that I am going through now.

This breakup is actually a weird one, and it reminds me of my previous one in that there was some strange lack of closure previously.  In my current situation, I am not even sure what the status of our relationship ever was, when we actually broke up, or even if we were ever actually together.  Weird right?  All I know is that we had a fight, she asked me to be with her, I told her we shouldn't jump back in, she fled the country, and then when I didn't respond to a few emails she decided I had moved on - and I thought I had too.  However, I feel the typical dumper's remorse in that I wasn't sure of the whole thing to start with, and now I am having a lot of doubts now that I ran into her again for the first time and we started talking.

A lot of the reasons that I needed space are the same reasons that I am having so much trouble now.  I am just uncertain about her, and I feel like I cannot really trust her.  It is hard to tell which comes first in this chicken-or-the-egg scenario - I cannot tell if she makes me feel insecure and then I act in a certain way or if me acting in a certain way because I am insecure is making her act a certain way - maybe I wasn't over my ex, maybe she wasn't over her ex, or any number of things,

I am honestly surprised to be writing on this blog again, but I really hurt today for some reason.  I miss her, and I think that the older I get the more I worry about being all alone for the rest of my life.  I am trying to be smart and stand up for myself here, because I want someone that wants to be with me, and I want someone to right for me.  I do not know however if that means that I am accidentally "testing" people's feelings by withdrawing, etc, and then reacting to what they do - it is entirely possible.  I do know however that I want to feel safe.  I didn't really feel safe with her, and we hid our relationship for a long time which took its toll on both of us, and now here I am again all alone and feeling blue.

I will try to write a bit more honestly about this moving forward, but as for tonight I just wanted to write something.  I am feeling better this evening than I did yesterday and this morning, but damn it this whole thing really hurts.