I'm writing this post a little earlier than I might normally, as most of the time I wait until before bed to write and express my feelings, but today I am especially upset at the moment, so I figured I would go ahead and write.
First off, I didn't sleep well once again last night. I had this nightmare/dream about she and I moving out of an apartment/apartments together, and it was so hard. What's weird is that we do not even live together now, so it was even more painful because it was a dream about the loss of my future hopes. It was very, very sad.
After waking up from that dream, I had a lot of trouble getting out of bed this morning. It was just hard to motivate myself to get up and get going. I just wanted to lie there, try to sleep, and avoid dealing with my grief and loss. However, at some point, I realized that I was not doing myself any favors by lying in bed and hiding from dealing with the world, so I got up and went to the gym. I did about an hour of cardio, felt a little better, and came on home to eat.
It was about thirty minutes later that I heard a knock on my door. I think I heard it several times, but since I wasn't expecting anyone, I really didn't pay much attention at first. However, when I realized someone was knocking, I ran over. If I had been thinking just a little bit, I would have moved much more slowly, or not at all... for when I opened the door, it was the ex standing there.
Apparently, she had found something that I had thrown away, and was at my door to check and see if I had meant to throw it away. Part of me wanted to shout that of course I meant to throw it away, that I didn't want anything that reminded me of her, that she had broken my heart, and then I wanted to scream at her and ask her while she was at my door. However, I keep trying to be positive, and accept the fact that I am angry, upset, grief-stricken, sad, heart-broken, and a whirlwind of other emotions, but that yelling and screaming won't do either one of us any good. I mean, regardless of how much she hurt me, this is still someone that I loved very much and cared about very much, so instead of yelling I just simply told her that I did mean to throw it away, and then although I was upset, angry, hurt, and everything else, that I loved her very much and wished her happiness. When she walked away, it hurt so badly, but there was really nothing else for me to say.
Even though I feel like begging and pleading with her, I know that at the end of the day none of that is going to do any good. The relationship is over, and although it is hard for me to wrap my mind around that and believe that it is true, I know that it is. Part of the grieving process is getting over that denial and shock, getting past the angry phase, and accepting loss. I'm not foolish enough to say that I am there yet - I still desperately want her back and miss her so very much, but I am trying to be self-aware enough to control the desperation from coming out in my words and behavior.
It was very hard though, and afterwards I found myself looking at my phone again, hoping against hope that she was text or call, that she had realized her mistake and that she wanted to talk to me, that she loved me, and that she wanted me back, but the phone never rang and the text never showed on screen. She went home, just as much gone from my life as she was before I saw her today, and I struggled not to cry.
It is hard. She was my best friend. She was my pal. She was my confidant. She was the person that I shared every single thing with, and I really miss her from my life. I loved her very much. That isn't to say that we didn't have our problems, because we definitely did, but merely that my love for her transcended all of our issues.
I guess it is hard to stop believing in someone that you spent so much time believing in. It is also hard not to judge yourself for the mistakes you know you made, for the things you said, for the the things you failed to say. It is hard to face the broken dreams, the lonely times, the sadness, and the heartache. It is hard to wake up each day and go to bed each night without seeing the person that you love so very much.
I keep trying to tell myself that it will get better, and that I just have to take it one day at a time, but it is extremely hard to believe that sometimes.
Today's emotions: Anger. Sadness. Hurt. Fear. Self-loathing. Hope. Despair. Love. Regret.
I'm anxious, I'm scared, and I really do wish she was here to comfort me. Even though I know she won't be, it would feel so very good to just hold her or be held by here. It's another one of those things that you really don't realize how much you value until it is gone, and now that it's too late, it is really the only thing that I crave. I had all of this opportunity for time with her, and I find myself looking back wishing I had taken more advantage of it.
Life is hard. It is hard to balance things in life, to give time to everything that you need to, and it is hard to live with this much hurt in my heart everyday. One day at a time, that's all I say each day, one day at a time.
And when that seems like too much, I just say one hour, or one minute. I try to get just one thing done.
Sigh. I miss her. If you are reading this and going through a break-up, then know that even though it feels like no one else can understand your pain, trust me when I tell you that I know what you are going through. I am in agony. I hurt all over. I want to run away. I want to vomit. I'm scared. I'm lonely. I want the pain to stop.
But I march on. One minute. One hour. One day. I march on.
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