Well, I survived the second official day of my break-up (and am continuing to use hyphens!).
The day was pretty strange and I was all over the place, but I did survive. It started when I woke up about 6am and then was suddenly hit by the fact that it was indeed all over and that I am in fact now without "she who shall not be named" (think Lord Voldemort - I just don't want to say the name for fear that evil will descend upon me). I then proceeded to wake up every hour on the hour stressed out, worrying, etc, before forcing myself up and into the shower.
Beyond that, the rest of the day was weird. There were times where I felt free and on top of the world, moments where I was so angry I thought I would beat someone up, times where I was so sad it was a struggle not to cry, and everything else in between. There were times where I just wanted to hide in my bed, times where I wanted to flirt with a girl just because, and moments where I felt like the most hideous person in the world. It was quite the roller-coaster.
I tried to do all of the right things today. One thing that I have realized is that I actually do need to talk to a few friends about it all. For me part of accepting that it is all over is that I need to actually admit it to other people, and also talk about what I am going through. Luckily for me, I had several great friends who were willing to listen, be encouraging, and offer whatever assistance they could. There was something awesome about that. It also made me realize how much I had cut myself off from others while being in this relationship, and it was nice to reconnect and see that I have so many people still there for me.
Another thing that I realized today is that even though I am very upset about the end of the relationship, in a lot of ways it is very freeing. The reasons that I wanted to break-up were because I couldn't see any type of solution or resolution to problems, and even though love kept me hanging in there, the actual end of the relationship is actually a very good experience in some levels. I no longer have to worry about the fighting, or how things will get resolved, or a multitude of other things that I was constantly stressing over before. Instead, I only have to take of myself and worry about me.
Beyond that, I just tried to accomplish a few small things today. I made myself a list of things that I wanted to accomplish, got a few of them done, and also made certain that I engaged myself in some activities for fun and excitement. I met up with a group and watched a movie (My Cousin Vinny) and ate some food - even giving myself a break from the diet I have been on), and then went to the gym afterwards. A guy there really got on my nerves, and I could definitely feel that I was on edge over him doing something very annoying but not worth getting mad over, so I just chalked it up to some internal feelings of rage and frustration.
Other than that, I just have been trying to stay positive. One thing I am really working on is NOT saying hateful things or directing any type of hate towards my ex - instead, I am just trying to keep in mind that this was someone that I loved, that I was willing to work on things with, and that no matter how much I feel betrayed, hurt, etc - that time we had together was still special. I try to keep in mind that I am very proud of myself for taking a risk and trying my best to make the relationship work - I wasn't perfect, but instead of beating myself up I hope to learn from the experience and do better in the future.
It was tough coming home today - still have to walk by her apartment and know that she is there, and it upsets me a bit, but it wasn't too terrible today. Just taking it all one day at a time.
No comments:
Post a Comment