Eleven days later... here I am again. Break-up day 25.
I am noticing a pattern to my break-up pain - the weekends are decidedly worse than any other time of the week, and it is during this time that I seem to have a lot of trouble dealing with the loss of the ex. Sometimes I am positive about the future, sometimes I am distraught, but in general I keep trucking along as best I can and try to be okay (or at least fake it until I make it!).
However, running into the ex a few times in the last couple of days did a number on my psyche, and then today it was way worse. Why? I think it was honestly because it was Mother's Day. As weird as that is to say, and somewhat disturbing, I think that today I had so much trouble because it was a day where I really recognized a few things.
First, even though I hate the fact that I live a few doors away from the ex at the moment, there is this odd comfort that comes from knowing she is around and doing okay. Most of the time I don't think it is any kind of false hope about getting back together, but rather it is just knowing that she is alive and kicking - regardless of what she is actually doing, who she is doing it with, etc - there is just a bit of relief in seeing her. That said, there is also that kick in the stomach, gut-wrenching pain that comes with seeing her also... but regardless, today I realized that she is moving out this week. No more chance encounters. No more walking by and knowing she is close. Instead, this really does kind of close the door in a lot of ways, because I won't be seeing her around anymore. Sad indeed.
Second, Mother's Day is a day where you stop and think about family - nice work Hallmark - and I think today in thinking about my family, I also thought about the family that I am not going to have (at least with her). It is weird to be thinking about things like that for me, because in truth I never really pictured myself with a family before her, and yet lately it seems to be something I am really grieving over. I think the trigger was my brother having a child (and another on the way). There is something about my younger brother having a wife and children that just throws my world a bit out of whack - makes me feel behind or something. I mean, all of that said, I'm still a big fan of living vicariously through other people's children - I can play and then leave - but I definitely am feeling a bit lonely today.
Last, I think the transition period for me is rough. I mean, this is the week where my school/formal education experience ends, and instead I find myself entering a whole new world - alone. It is weird, because when I moved to New York City I didn't know a soul, and I was all by myself then - now, at least I know people in the city, but the truth is I lost touch with a bunch of people during my relationship... or just focused more on the relationship. Truthfully, I just liked spending time with my ex better than anyone else for the most part - not a problem so long as it works out, but definitely an issue when you break-up. Plus, I suppose there is always the need for balance as well.
Today is the first day I have cried in a bit. I was feeling really sad all day, and then of course I ran into her. There was something about seeing her that just broke something in me, and I literally felt like I couldn't breathe or function for a few minutes. Then, I almost went and knocked on her door 20-30 times, and then finally I just said the hell with it.
Going to see her was probably a mistake, but it relieved some of the pressure, even it if was entirely momentary and will likely leave me feeling worse. I guess I just wanted to say good bye in some way, and let her know that I loved her and cared about her, and wished her all the best. Or, maybe I just wanted to fool myself into thinking there was a chance - I don't know. You would think after everything I could just walk away from it, but it is very difficult. Despite everything, I love her.
Everything I read about getting over a break-up suggests that the first thing you have to do is admit to yourself that it is over - I try, but sometimes it is hard to really accept it. Once she moves out it will likely get easier, but the next few days are going to be tough. I don't really know how to function any more as a single person, which is a problem in and of itself. All of my interests seem kind of solitary at the moment, and I am literally just not sure what to do any more.
Ah well, one step at a time, one day at a time... I'm hanging in.
No comments:
Post a Comment